490. The Zoo

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Monkey swing across the bars.

Monkey see. Monkey do.

You are but one tiny speck,

Inside a cosmic zoo.

Play the part and socialize.

Be the best you can be;

As long as you don’t mope ’bout,

Or wish that you were free.

Entertain. Live and fit-in.

Walk in rounds ’til you’re sick.

Don’t wonder ’bout breaking out.

Fighting instinct’s tragic!

Monkey swing across the bars.

Monkey blind. Monkey sad.

If you’re mere biology,

Existing should make you glad.

Monkey swing…

…Monkey fall.

K. Aldaya, 9/11/19

Picture: By: Chris Yang on Unsplash; https://unsplash.com/photos/4CZ4lZGX53g

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489. I Know What You Did!

I know what you did.

I just want you to know.

That I know what you did,

And no matter where you go,

The truth will always know.

I know what you did.

With sins have you been fraught?

The truth which you have hid…

Will you e’er reap what you’ve wrought?

In time, will you be caught?

I know what you did,

And though no one else cares.

I…I know what you did;

So beyond judgments and stares…

I’ll be the one who cares.

I know what you did!

K. Aldaya, 9/5/19

488. Migraine in the Explain

Speak…No one hears a peep…

Inside myself, I fall asleep;

Tired of trying to explain.

I am but a migraine,

Which hurts too much to think.

Mute…No one cares a hoot…

Inside myself, there’s a dispute.

Screams and wishes to explain;

Yet, no one hears a migraine…

They hurt too much to say.

K. Aldaya, 8/27/19

Picture: By: Carolina Heza at Unsplash; https://unsplash.com/photos/0lD4hF1fBv0

487. Unwanted

She doesn’t want us here.

She parts the leaves and walks on through,

I wish I could walk in the warm breeze too.

She doesn’t want us here.

She faces the sun to burn sight…

Repeating: She’s,”…glad to live in the light”.

She doesn’t want us here.

She pretends that ghosts are not real,

‘Cause she doesn’t want to see, hear, or feel…

Herself…

She doesn’t want her here.

K. Aldaya, 8/24/19

Picture: By: Nine Kopfer on Unsplash; https://unsplash.com/photos/tJC6I9S3nBw

486. The Interminable Case of the Delirious Detective

For me, life is a problem which needs to be solved.

A mistake which needs righting.

A misstep to be resolved.

Howe’er it seems the rest of the world can’t agree,

On whether I’m sleep deprived,

Or am simply crazy.

Whatever is said, I can not help how I feel.

I wish I could be content,

And accept the appeal.

Yet to me, it all feels wrong, damaged, and bizarre.

A puzzle missing pieces.

A beauty with a scar.

A scar: I can’t ignore the pain inflicted there.

Maybe that makes me crazy,

But I can not help but care.

Life is a problem that I want to figure out,

Though no matter how much thought,

I am only left with doubt.

For there is no solution. No answer to right…

The wrongs of existence,

Or bring meaning to light.

Life: It is a problem which needs to be solved, for me,

To be able to get some sleep at night;

So rather, I write on tirelessly,

For insight.

K. Aldaya, 8/22/19

Picture: By: Lai Man Nung on Unsplash; https://unsplash.com/photos/6Ptwy-nDnoE

485. Everyone Tells You Not to Die

Everyone tells you not to die,

And then they walk away.

Who should be blamed at the end,

When no one was willing to stay,…

Around.

Everyone tells you not to die,

Yet who’ll help you to live?

Who would stay around and try,

When there’s only so much life to live…

On Earth?

Everyone may say you should live,…

Though most will let you die.

K. Aldaya, 8/21/19

Picture: By: Chuttersnap on Unsplash; https://unsplash.com/photos/RlC1eHzJOFI

484. Cornermen

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No one needs you to fight for them.

They need you in their corner.

When they’re knocked down, and can’t get up,

And a loss is almost sure;

When they fear to get back up.

They need you to notice and stay.

To be there no matter what.

Who needs a friend who disappears,

When they get their deepest cut;

When they’re on the ground in tears.

They need you to simply care.

It’s really as facile as that.

Fighters need good corners there,

To help them up from the mat.

To tend to the wounds, but mostly,

To remind them they’ve got fight.

That they’ve got this. That they are strong.

That emotions are not trite…

Over-dramatic, or wrong;

Because falling is not failing,

And needing others isn’t weak.

For life knocks us all down sometimes,

Making us feel small and meek.

Everyone needs help sometimes.

No one needs you to fight for them.

They need you in their corner.

There are victories and defeats,

And oft’times a loss is sure.

Victories may fill the seats,

Yet losses are the surest way,

To assess how brave we are.

The only way to learn and grow,

Is to get out there and spar.

For struggle is not hollow.

Every person should feel assured.

That no matter where or when.

They’ll get through each imminent fight,

Thanks to their cornermen.

K. Aldaya, 8/3/19

Picture: By: Dan Burton on Unsplash; https://unsplash.com/photos/vuZi5zk5W-A

483. Strong Mind/Weak Mind: A Story of Success or Failure

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They say a strong body must have a strong mind;

And a strong mind: unstoppable!

However, I feel it is too black and white,

For nothing is ever so stable.

They say a weak body must have a weak mind;

And a weak mind: inadequate.

However I feel it’s never so simple,

And life: far too elaborate.

All bodies and minds have potential for strength,

As well as weakness and failure.

So rather than looking to blame or to praise.

We should embrace acceptance as the cure.

There’s an illusion of control,…though perhaps,

We would best let the fate’s decide.

All humans are both capably strong and weak;

There’s no logic in taking a side….

[Failure]                          [Success]

-Please select one of the above-

(*Warning: Failure to judge others adequately will immediately result in a judgment of failure)

K. Aldaya, 7/25/19

Picture: By: John T on Unsplash; https://unsplash.com/photos/ojCHx1YgUeA

482. Take a Deep Breath

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How to explain it? I have not the words.

My brain and body, they are cowards.

How do I explain that feeling inside,

When I’m with others it hurts not to hide;

To run away to the comfort of alone.

The feeling is one that I’ve always known.

A tension…A pain locked in the chest,

Which may only find release and rest,

When solitude (the oldest of friends),

Returns to assuage and make amends.

I long to feel comfort and connection,

Rather, I feel distress and rejection.

Nothing need be said or done,

Yet my head feels pressed against a loaded gun.

The nerves,…the discomfort…the body responds.

The same human body which should create bonds,

Tells me I’m crazy for sticking around;

That there is nothing here to be found.

If only optimism and love were the cure.

Yet no matter how thoughtful, caring, or pure…

The feeling never goes away,…just hides,…

Behind masks and smiles it resides;

Twisting the stomach and wrenching the heart,

‘Til again I lose, and fall apart.

Strength and optimism have their rewards,

Though do not mistake toothpicks for swords.

Strength keeps me going. Optimism’s my friend.

Howe’er there are things they too can not mend.

Please excuse me while I try not to show,

How hard it is to be human and know,…

The pain of never being at ease,

With connections, moments, synergies.

How to explain it? I have not the words.

My brain and body, they are cowards.

As my thoughts live and fight on,

I take a deep breath, and continue along.

K. Aldaya, 7/23/19

Picture: By: Melanie Wasser on Unsplash ;https://unsplash.com/photos/j8a-TEakg78

481. Speak Not It’s Name

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“Shhh, you are speaking too loud!”

They say to me: “Hide in the crowd”.

“Oh, for shame, for shame, for shame.

You should not speak or say it’s name.”

They’ll tell you the criminal’s to blame,

Though talking about it is always your shame.

Hide the pain…move on…let go.

The hurt smile better than they’ll ever know.

Talk, but do not talk too much.

Lie to yourself and others, as such…

‘Cause of shame…

…for shame….

……What shame!

The jungles are savage,

Yet they want you tame!

Shhh…Shhh…

……Speak not it’s name.

K. Aldaya, 7/22/19

Picture: By: Kristina Flour on Unsplash; https://unsplash.com/photos/BcjdbyKWquw

480. Go

You try to meet me half-way,

But I’m not there. I’m all the way.

Too far away. Who would go?

You can’t reach me.

You can not know.

You try to meet me half-way,

But I’m not there. I’m all the way.

Time rode away so long ago.

The sun, it set,

Then came the snow.

You try to meet me half-way,

But I’m not there. I’m all the way.

Gone. Frozen in time…afar.

I can not move,

To where you are.

You try to meet me half-way,

But I’m not there. I’m all the way.

Too far away. Who would go,

To where I am?

With other places to go?

Life stops for no one, so I hope you know.

I don’t want you to stay.

I want you to go.

K. Aldaya, 5/31/19

Picture: By: James Hammond on Unsplash; https://unsplash.com/photos/alflch2BrgM

479. System Overload

Feeble…Faint…

It’s not real…not real;

Yet your legs have grown weaker,

Finding it best not to feel.

Panic…Pain…

The illusion clears.

No one’s coming to save you.

There is no use for those tears.

Terror…Fear…

That pain in your chest…

It tells you it’s not over.

For a victim, there’s no rest.

Horror…Loss…

There’s no going back.

The program’s installed…running…

And insanity’s the hack.

Empty…Numb…

A system with eyes,

Which carries out instructions…

As it’s humanity dies.

K. Aldaya, 7/10/19

Picture: From Humans; Emily Berrington as Niska; https://giphy.com/gifs/experience-amc-humans-sXhM9f1UIgYW4

477. Flashbacked

maxresdefault

Be careful, she could break with a touch.

Her skin is like glass,

And she feels too much.

Tread lightly, in following her trail.

She’s gone far away,

And her mind, it is frail.

Come quickly, or it may be too late.

Time waits for no one,

And time is our fate.

Talk softly, and don’t scare her further.

She can’t see you move,

Your face is a blur.

Be gentle… She’s meager and brittle.

Her body is old,

But her mind, it is little.

Be careful, she could break with a touch.

Her skin is like glass

And she feels too much.

K. Aldaya, 5/22/19

Picture: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rbPVrZOLO3I

476. Places to Go

I long to escape,

Yet I’ve nowhere to go.

My heart lies on the ground,

Covered over with snow.

I long to fly up…

Upon the winds, and free,

Instead at the window,

I dream of being me.

I long to return,

To the sun and the earth,

Where I feel warm and light,

And every breath has worth.

I long to escape,

Though I’ve nowhere to go;

Yet when winter is gone,

Do not find me and sow.

Please spread my dust out,

I have places to go.

K. Aldaya, 5/21/19

475. Monstrous

You love to laugh at my misfortune.

To watch me suffer and cry.

When I’m hurt or sick, you look away,

And wait ’round for me to die.

You’ve never asked me about myself.

Years, and I’m still the outcast.

You’d rather make up lies and spread them,

Then to get the truth at last.

You’ve stolen from me… Gave me silence.

Ignored, screamed, and called me names.

You’ve never cared how much pain you cause,

And replay those same mind-games.

You know I have no family to care.

There’s a target on my back.

No one will stand up in my defense.

Orphans are soft to attack.

I wonder if you’ll ever fathom,

The use of introspection.

I doubt it, for as it has been said,

Monsters will not stare at their own reflection,..

It scares them too much.

K. Aldaya, 5/19/19

474. Victorious

This world is full of bullies,

Who’ll throw their weight around.

They’ll lack the skill to fight you,

So they’ll cheat and build themselves up,

To throw you to the ground.

No matter what they may say.

The best won’t always win.

Those who fail time and again,

May never get what they deserve.

May never, ever win.

So you should not place your bets,

On who will win one fight,

For the true victor will rise,

Against the odds and vast mountains,

Without a hand in sight.

This world is full of bullies.

It’s not fair, but it’s true.

They’ll find ways to tear you down,

While looking like the noble saint;

And the pure angel too.

Do not be discouraged though.

Fight on… Fight hard and strong!

For no matter the outcome,…

Defeat is but temporary,

And eternity is long.

K. Aldaya, 5/12/19

Picture: Alicia Vikander, Tomb Raider; https://www.trainforher.com/alicia-vikander-becoming-lara-croft/

472. The Carousel

carousel-gif-10

In the carnival of life,

I ride a carousel;

And every seat is full,

As it starts with the bell.

On each horse there sits,

A rider that I know.

Yes, all of them are me;

And all of us must go…

In circles, as we watch the world,

Float by in a blur;

Until the bell rings again,

And we lose a passenger.

One gets off and tries to leave,

But a tether holds them there.

They watch as people pass on by,

And sing out: “Life’s unfair”.

Then the bell, it dings again,

As they go back to their seat,

Thinking: “Life’s chiefly a picture book,

With faces we can not meet”.

Spinning and spinning and spinning…

The world goes round and round.

No, it is not living,

When you can’t stay on the ground.

In the carnival of life.

I ride a carousel.

I wish I could just leave this place,

But the mind is it’s own hell.

K. Aldaya, 4/16/19

Picture: https://gifimage.net/carousel-gif-10/

471. In the Shadows

alternative-black-and-white-blurry-girl-Favim.com-4055695

Eyes look, yet they never see.

They draw pictures,

Yet none show me.

In black and white I hide behind,

In the shadows.

In blurred lines.

Eyes look, yet they never see.

They skim the surface,

Like a stone set free,

To fly ‘cross the surface of a lake,

Then sink carelessly,

Leaving solitude in it’s wake.

Eyes look, yet they never see.

You glance my way,

Yet you don’t see me.

I’m the phantom in the corner of the eye,

That waves hello,

Then walks on by.

Eyes look, yet they never see.

Time passes by,

As you pass me.

I am nothing…a ghost…a mirage,

That haunts your eye,

In perfect camouflage.

Eyes look, yet they never see.

They draw pictures,

Yet none show me.

In black and white I hide behind,

In the shadows.

In blurred lines.

K. Aldaya, 3/28/19

Picture: Original Source Unknown; http://favim.com/image/4055695/#

470. It’s Only Fair

black-and-white-girl-nature-photography-Favim.com-356563

They say that life,…it isn’t fair.

That the best of us die young;

And men who live until old age,

Still die with songs unsung.

Yet tears give life to the Earth,

And the dead find a place to lie.

You raped me, but it’s alright;

‘Cause I,… I watched you die.

It’s said that there is a plan,…

Some meaning to it all.

Yet I find it hard to sleep at night,

As people rise and fall.

Will anyone remember you?

Will they laugh or will they cry?

You raped me, and it’s not alright,

Yet I…, maybe I should feel glad,…

For I,…I watched you die.

Did the angels ever get to fly or is it just a tale,

Told by early men who died by both monster and sail?

I do not know much of it,

Though I fear it’s all comforting lie.

Those who hurt, rape, and kill,…

One day they too will die.

Is death the great equalizer?

In death is all made right?

Will the criminals and the victims,

Go together toward the light?

All men are born victims,

And even criminals cry;

And even though you hurt me,

I didn’t want you to die.

K. Aldaya, 3/24/19

Picture: Original Source Unknown; http://favim.com/image/356563/

465. The Proof’s Missing It’s Pudding

What if in my honesty,

I am not believed?

If someone were to question my reality?

Can truth ever be received,

Without proof and the third-degree?

What if I misword my speech,

And what’s heard’s not meant?

Should I remain silent or cry, plead, and beseech…

The Gods, who will stay absent,

As my honor flies out of reach?

What if in my honesty,

I am not believed?

Am I the fool for truly speaking openly,

Of the plight of the bereaved.

With no corpse to see, and nod: acknowledgingly;

For in acceptance of the truth…

Men want proof…..They all want proof.

K. Aldaya, 1/18/19

464. Never-known

“No one wants me”, was said,

To no one in particular.

Ah, hiding is a fool’s stead,

When no one’s even looking.

Hide-and-seek and disappear,

Forgotten and alone.

There was once someone here,

Whom no one’s ever known.

“No one wants me”, was said,

Somewhere…someplace.

There’s something missing in the head,

That time can not replace.

Hide-and-seek and disappear,

Forgotten and alone.

There was once someone here,

Whom no one’s ever known.

K. Aldaya, 1/8/19

Picture: Image from Among the Sleep; https://store.steampowered.com/app/250620/Among_the_Sleep__Enhanced_Edition/

463. Smoke and Mirrors

“It’s all smoke and mirrors”, the illusionist said.

“What lives in the heart also lives in the head”.

“There is no magic to make you stay,

In one place, or just one way.

You are everything you love and hate.

You are the thoughts you contemplate.

You are young and you are old.

You are meek and you are bold.”

“It’s all smoke and mirrors”, the illusionist said.

“What’s true for the heart, is true for the head;

For just ’cause you are living,

Does not mean you aren’t dead.”

K. Aldaya, 12/30/18

462. The Sinner

Pulled apart. I come undone.

From the start I’m forced to run.

Run from one point to another.

I am me and then the other.

Words confound. I spin in place.

I make no sound. My words: they race,…

Inside myself where they collide,

And try to escape to the outside.

Drained and weak. I grip my heart.

I can’t speak. I’m torn apart.

My heart beats, and beats, and beats,

While inside, history repeats.

Pulled apart. I come undone.

Will this fight ever be won?

For as in war, there are no winners.

There are no saints, only sinners.

K. Aldaya, 12/28/18

Picture: https://rightsinfo.org/excluded-schoolchildren-at-serious-risk-of-knife-crime-and-youth-violence/

461. This is Your Life!

Society wants to throw us away.

“You do not matter”, that’s what they say.

If you ask for some help to get by.

Everyone questions: “What?”…”But why?”.

Society wants to throw us away.

“You are a burden”, that’s what they say.

If you can not hold down a job,

“You are a terrible, lazy, fat-slob!”.

Society wants to throw us away,

“You are worth nothing”, that’s what they say.

Well, you know what? Who cares what they say!

Why should their words matter anyway?

Were they there when you cried on your bed.

Would they care at all if you lost your head?

If you said you couldn’t live anymore,

Would any of them come to your door?

Society wants to throw us away.

“You do not matter”, that’s what they say.

Well, guess what? Who cares what they say!

Whose life is this anyway?

No, not theirs…today’s your day!

“Your life matters!”,…

That’s what I say!

K. Aldaya, 11/12/18

Picture: https://sexandrelationshiphealing.com/blog/sexual-abuse-sexual-shame-and-sexual-addiction/

460. Autumn Reverie

The leaves, they always danced for me,

Like ghosts at a haunted ball;

Maybe that’s why I always went,

For walks more in the Fall.

The ghosts seemed almost happy then,

As they drifted to and fro;

And I wondered if it was all for me,

Or they had some place to go?

Either way, it made me smile,

As they pranced across the ground;

Spinning the leaves in circles ,

As I lightly skipped around.

I liked to think they knew that I,

Thought about them often;

And perhaps they were smiling too,

To know not all of the world had forgotten.

For there they were, and there I was,

And although we could not touch.

I felt them, and they felt me,

And though it may not account for much…

The leaves, they always danced for me,

Like ghosts at a haunted ball,

And I’ve always been invited,

To attend each festive fall.

And dance, and smile, not just for me,…

….but for us all.

K. Aldaya, 11/5/18

Picture: http://wallpaperswide.com/autumn_walk-wallpapers.html

457. Unconnected

You talk to me and I listen.

You smile,…yet I feel sad.

I talk, and you don’t hear a thing;

The connection’s always bad.

You look at me, and I at you.

You move, and I stand still.

I see you, yet you don’t see me;

And I fear you never will.

K. Aldaya, 10/23/18

Picture: https://www.shutterstock.com/video/clip-28677217-phone-receiver-hanging-off-hook-public-box

456. *Static*

*Static*……………………………….”Hello?”

“She’s not here.”………………”Not here?”

“She’s missing.”………………..”But where?”

“In the basement.”…………..”But why?”

*Sobs*………………………………..”Don’t cry.”

“They left her.”…………………”Who did?”

“Everyone.”……………………….*Static*

K. Aldaya, 10/2/18

Gif: https://giphy.com/gifs/noise-static-nihilminus-3o85xuOopcjqT2AgzC

455. Hidden

There are passions hidden inside,

In chests locked and dusty.

I wish I didn’t have to hide,

All the best parts of me.

It’s not as if I chose to leave,

Parts of my heart behind.

It’s not as if I didn’t grieve,

And fight back with my mind.

My passions were taken from me,

By life’s consequences.

I can’t fix what’s happened to me,

Or live in ‘past tense’s’.

If I could make a net to cast,

Into the sea of thought.

I’d ne’er have let them swim on past;

Yet, it is all for naught!

I can not fix my skittish brain.

There is no pill or cure;

Though I wish I were not insane,

‘Want’ won’t make it occur.

I opened up the chest last night,

In dreams, I came to life.

I sang and it was all alright,…

Then wept for my lost life.

No one will ever know the me,…

The me which could have been;

She had passions you’ll never see,

But some dreams can’t happen.

There are passions hidden inside,

In chests locked and dusty,

And if I may, I’d like to confide,

That sometimes I will take the key,

And open them up for a time.

K. Aldaya, 8/27/18

Picture: https://pixabay.com/en/key-open-castle-close-close-up-1422806/

454. A-part

I float away…all day…everyday.

I drift away…never stay…never stay…

The same.

I am me…”I agree”…”I agree”…

Yet,…”I disagree…I’m not free to be me…

Fully”.

I want to do…what I want to…see it through;

But, I can not do what I want to…plans fall through…

The cracks.

I am there…everywhere…and no where.

I float in the air of time in despair…neither here nor there…

A piece.

I’m only ever part of me…one me…not every me.

I always find I disagree…with me…and me…and me…

In part.

I can not stay…this way…or that way.

I drift away…never stay…never stay…

The same.

K. Aldaya, 8/12/18

Picture: Original Source Unknown; https://www.thecounsellorscafe.co.uk/single-post/2016/12/31/What-does-your-online-presence-say-about-you

453. Dust Yourself Off

I hate when you treat me nicely.

I hate when I start to believe.

I hate that I set myself up again,

To question reality.

I hate that you’re not a monster.

I hate that I can’t run away.

I hate that I will walk closer to you,

And put myself in danger.

I hate that life’s not black or white.

I hate that I do not hate you.

I hate that nothing is ever simple,

And that none of this feels right.

I hate that I can not trust you.

I hate that to trust is a trap.

I hate that I try, and hate that I care,

When I really don’t want to.

I hate that you don’t really care.

I hate that it’s all a mirage.

I hate that I always hate myself more,

When again you leave me there…

…in your dust.

K. Aldaya, 8/11/18

Picture: https://pixabay.com/en/iraq-sandstorm-weather-man-80329/

452. My Heart is Where You Are

I hear your voice call out to me,

For where you are, is where I’ll be.

No matter how near or how far,

My heart is where you are.

I see your face in all my dreams,

For time is never what it seems.

No matter what the hour may be,

Your smile is what I’ll see.

I feel the warmth of your embrace,

For your taction makes my heart race.

No matter how the wind’s may chill,

Your life will warm me still.

I sense your soul, it’s always there.

You’re in my heart and everywhere.

No matter what occurs tomorrow,

Where you are…I will go.

I hear your voice call out to me,

For where you are, is where I’ll be.

No matter how near or how far,

My heart is where you are.

K. Aldaya, 8/10/18

Picture: https://pixabay.com/en/balloon-heart-love-romance-sky-1046658/

451. Freak of Nature

You look at me like I’m a wall…about to crumble.

You step back…once…twice…always,

Then turn away while I rumble…

And fall to pieces.

You look at me like I’m a dam…about to rupture;

Then you tell me to be strong,

As you gossip ’bout my structure…

And I flood and drown.

You look at me like I’m a storm…about to transpire.

You run as far as you can;

And as my footing becomes dire…

I up and vanish.

Yes, I’m the freak of nature everyone passes by.

I tumbled down. I sank beneath. I blew into the sky.

No, No one ever said: “closer”…

They just waved goodbye.

K. Aldaya, 8/1/18

Picture: https://pixabay.com/en/alone-walking-night-people-city-764926/

450. Villains

In the story of my life,

You are the villains;

The plotters. The schemers. The bringers of strife.

You praise your heroism,

In dealing with me,

While pointing out flaws and enacting schisms.

You would only have loved me,

If I’d have earned it;

For you praise the motto: “Nothing is for free”.

You hold out expectant hands,

Awaiting some gold.

Oh, how is it not one of you understands?

I shouldn’t need earn the right,

To be loved like you.

Existing does not need a permit you write.

I’m sure you’d act shocked to find,

You’re drowning in sins.

Yet, of course you will all pay no nevermind.

After all, you are the villains.

K. Aldaya, 7/13/18

Picture: https://www.pexels.com/photo/attractive-beautiful-beauty-black-and-white-594421/

449. I Say Too Much. I Say Too Little.

loud

I say too much.

I say too little.

I never say what’s right;

Walking the line with all my might.

I say too little.

I say too much.

I never say enough;

Acting as strong and playing tough.

I say too much.

I say too little.

I never say what’s heard.

Truth is oft’ an offensive word.

I say too little.

I say too much.

I never say what’s good;

Hiding ‘neath social-conduct’s hood.

I say too much.

I say too little.

I never say what’s apt;

‘Tween truth and lies, I am trapped.

I say too little.

I say too much.

I never say my piece,

For if I speak my pains’ increase.

I say too much.

I say too little.

I never say what’s right.

Loud or silent, I climb the height…

To the middle……………………………………………..of nowhere.

K. Aldaya, 7/11/18

Picture: http://sturgispubliclibrary.blogspot.com/2018/03/toddler-story-time-loud-and-quiet.html

448. Replicant

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I didn’t want to be someone,

I hardly recognize,

Yet pain, it changes everyone…

In time.

Every day I am further from,

The soul I used to be;

Closer to who I have to be…

To survive.

The tragedy of life is that,

Time changes everyone,

And one day when we look in the mirror we don’t recognize…

Anyone.

So here I am: A replicant,

Of who I used to be.

I want to live, but yet I can’t;

So I live on, not as me,…

But as you.

K. Aldaya, 7/6/18

Replicant

Picture: Alicia Vikander in Ex Machina; http://exmachina-movie.com/

 

447. Much Too High a Cost?

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If I am but a beggar,

And no one will grant me coin,

Am I lost?

Is living, much too high a cost?

If I don’t have the answers,

And no one else does either,

Am I lost?

Is living, much too high a cost?

If I can not find the way,

And there are no directions,

Am I lost?

Is living, much too high a cost?

If I can not find myself,

And no one else will seek me,

Am I lost?

Is living, much too high a cost?

If I can not save myself,

And no one else can save me,

Am I lost?

Tell me do some lives, have much too high a cost?

K. Aldaya, 6/27/18

Picture: By Banksy; https://www.boredpanda.com/social-issues-street-art-bansky-london/

446. Beyond Reach

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I wonder if ’twere better to be blind?

For we see beauty ne’er to be touched,

And human souls ne’er to be reached.

Why?….Oh why, is existence so unkind?

To grant us sight of what will not be.

To pull back what dangles before us;

As we reach with all of our might.

I wonder if ’twere better not to see,

That which is beyond our reach?

K. Aldaya, 6/22/18

Picture: Posted by Odette Baudouin on wpnature.com; http://wpnature.com/reaching-beauty-pink-hand-trees-nature-flower-beautiful-relaxing-welness-feng-shui-computer-desktop-wallpaper/

445. If I’d Have Had Your Love

I’d have been a good daughter,

If I’d have had your love.

I’d have done anything for you,

If I’d have had your love.

I could have endured anything,

If I’d have had your love.

It all would have been okay,

If I’d have had your love.

If I’d have had your love…

…It would have been enough.

K. Aldaya, 6/17/18

444. Embrace

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I climb onto the highest branch,

As the winds caress the leaves.

All about the forest,

The fairies sit on eaves,…

Humming, as they rest.

The sky is filled up to the brim,

With loose clouds swimming about,

That with delighted care,

Will soften themselves out,

To drift into the air.

I sit on the branch as the wind,

Soothes and permeates beneath,

The hard shell carried ’bout,

As a protective sheath,

From other forms about.

They do not understand me wind.

They don’t discern you either.

Why you love to wander:

To feel, and to occur,…

Within life…and yonder.

To the very ends of the world,

And to the depths of the soul.

To feel more than mere words,

Could e’er hope to extol,

In the aria’s of birds.

I am not afraid of the wind,

Which penetrates through the skin.

Yet, I fear humankind,

For what they do to skin,

To rape the soul and mind.

I climb onto the highest branch,

As the winds pass through with ease.

Close my eyes and breathe-in,

That gentle summer breeze,

Which embraces within…

For a moment……………………and forever.

K. Aldaya, 6/16/18

Picture: https://wallpaperstock.net/woman-red-hair-dress-rose-tree-wallpapers_w41750.html

443. Wolves

Cover your ears, and close your heart.

Don’t listen to their lies.

They are wolves in sheep’s clothing,

Waiting for the next sheep that dies.

For have you never noticed,

That those who mess with your brain,

Are the very one’s who’ll prosper the most,

When you’ve finally gone insane?

Cover your ears, and open your eyes.

Trust no one with a grin,

Who blames you for their own words,

And shames you for their sin.

For have you never noticed,

How much it hurts your brain?

To try and make sense of it all.

(Wolf:) “It makes no sense, because you’re insane!”

K. Aldaya, 6/12/18

442. Into the Sea

Once upon a time there were two men born out at sea,

And though began on different ships; Each stared down their destiny.

As sailors are want to do, by time, or just sore luck,

They fell into the churning sea when a raging storm had struck.

They both knew of the Isle nearby. All the sailors knew it well.

The Isle where they were headed, ‘fore their ships sank ‘neath the swell.

The Isle was where wealthy men built mansions out of gold,

And lived in luxury and peace; Ah, truly a sight to behold!

If only they could reach that place. They knew life would be grand.

They looked at the stars that night, and oriented themselves toward land.

One man had a mile to swim. The other: nine miles more;

Though both set off with conviction, to live and reach that shore.

The first man soon made it there, and lived until old age.

He wrote books, and sculpted art; And his story is now ‘all the rage’.

The second man: he drowned at sea, less than a mile from shore.

He’d fought hard and long for those nine miles,…likely harder then any man before.

Yet sailors tell his morose tale over drinks and platitudes;

Laughing at his misfortune with disparaging attitudes.

“What’s the meaning of success? What does it mean to fail?”,

One man asked as he sat down to converse o’er another round of ale.

“You may say the first man is clearly the success.

For he made it to the Isle, and lived in grandeur and excess.

Yet, the first man only swam one mile….so is success really the case?

Is success the result of outcomes, or is it more about the race?

For I wonder why the second man, who swam for eight miles more,

And didn’t give up for those nine miles, is a failure for not reaching shore?

He may have never reached the Isle. He may have died too young.

Howe’er he lived and fought far longer, then that man on societies’ tongue.

The man who swam the further…who fought until his last,…

Is he not the man who succeeded the most?

For in the end, all men’s ‘die are cast’…

Into the sea.”

K. Aldaya, 6/9/18

Picture: Artist:? http://picturefordesktop.com/stormy-sea-images-desktop-wallpaper/

441. PTSD

The world is so busying telling me,

How I should feel and who I should be,

That it’s never, even once, stopped to think,

Whether I’m not exactly who I’m meant to be.

Maybe I will never be like you.

Maybe I’m not supposed to.

Maybe asking me to be something else,

Is the reason I can’t get through.

Maybe I would be okay,

If the world accepted what’s different.

Though, no matter how accepting it claims to be,

Some of us leave too much of an imprint.

We make a mess. Stand out too much.

Cops trail us and build up a case.

“It’s odd you were at the crime scene,

Even odder that your prints were all over the place!

Guilty by association, my child.

You’re guilty for showing-up: time and again.

You’re a victim, but perhaps an accomplice as well.

Did you not know it would drive you insane?

Now you are just as responsible.

Only criminals return to the crime!

You could have been normal…like us,

Instead, you’ve wasted this courts precious time.”

Yet, if we may speak to this court, sir.

We feel guilty and shameful each day,…

That we haven’t moved on…couldn’t move on…

And fell down, and apart, and astray.

We didn’t know how. We still don’t know now,

How to escape from that place,

Though if we could one day do so,

As you’ve stated, we’ve already left our trace;

A trace of guilt. A trace of our crimes,…

Of guilt by association.

No matter what we may say to these crimes,

The world will ne’er forgive the implication.

The implication that we are criminals.

That not being like you. Not living like you,

Is a bloody-bed of our own making;

For there’s only acceptance for crimes you live through,

But ones which stay, fester, and remain,

Which turn us wretched, and drive us insane,

Are the ones which society won’t accept.

And refuse to consider,…o’erlooking the brain.

Yes, the world is so busy telling me,

How I should feel and who I should be,

Yet has it ever wondered why we’re not free,

To be who life has made us to be?

No, I am not like you or them,

And no, I will never be in the end;

Though just because I am different,

Must I be rejected ’til the end?

Placed up on trial again, and again to defend…

Why I am the way I am?

I’m a lifetime of sounds and sights you can’t see.

Yet, men like to spurn what they don’t understand,

And charge for the crime of PTSD.

K. Aldaya, 5/23/18

440. Presence

We reach out for purpose,

Cutting through time like a knife.

Surveying each step with elation,

As if God’s creating life.

Are we more than rotting thoughts,

And orbiting electrons in atoms?

If I stand still or take one more step,

Will it really change any outcomes?

I want to believe in more than this.

In more than my petty musings.

Yet, despite my wish for my words to remain,

I can’t cease their death by refusing.

If I write, or walk, or take a step,

Or if I choose to protest.

There will still be something there to lose,

Whether idle or over-obsessed.

So, I reach out for purpose,

Whether it cuts me in it’s course;

For despite my ruminations,

Presence is an unstoppable force.

K. Aldaya, 5/22/18

Picture: Original Source Unknown; http://keywordsuggest.org/gallery/129704.html

439. Lost

I’m lost inside.

Won’t someone find me?

In the echoes of time,

I wander in effigy,

Of who I was long before,…

The hallways shifted;

And I was ne’er able to find,

One crack through which light sifted.

I’m here looking,

For some way to escape fate.

Is anyone searching? Has anyone noticed,…

That the hour has become late?

And I have not been there with you.

My eyes, they make no sound,

Yet if you’d have truly looked at me,

You’d have seen I’m not around.

For whispers resound through the tears and years:

“I am still not found”.

K. Aldaya, 5/2/18

Picture: http://sfwallpaper.com/image-post/7520-lonely-images-14.jpg.html

438. Doppelganger

I didn’t recognize you. I didn’t want to know,

The secrets and the truths held,

Deep within your eyes…and although,

I see you near to me. I’m afraid to glance your way.

For how can one save the lost;

Trapped in a time far away?

I can not speak of the horror; Only of the screams.

I hear them slip through your lips,

And besiege me in my dreams.

I’m sorry I left you there; In that place, all alone…

Where the clock’s forever stuck,

At quarter-past “never-known”.

–I stand atop a dark stairway. I see you below,

And as your eyes look my way,

I spy a looming shadow;

And as the shadow passes o’er, our eyes, they fin’lly meet.

I know I can not save you,

So once again I retreat.–

I didn’t recognize, ’cause I didn’t want to know,

That the girl in the mirror,

Had the same bleak eyes which show…

The anguish of a child betrayed. A child left behind…

Deserted and forsaken,

In the corners of my mind.

K. Aldaya, 4/27/18

Picture: Vintage image used in the book “Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children” by Ransom Riggs; https://www.pinterest.com/pin/330522060122327068/

437. While You Sleep I Lie Alone

While you sleep I lie alone,

And cry, curled up, in my old home.

In the corner, where I lie,

I cry, and cry, and cry, and cry;

Yet never does the house fill up,…

The tears, they always dry right up,

And leave me all alone.

While you sleep I lie alone,

And drift away to my old home,

Where even tears wave me goodbye;

As swiftly as they drop…they dry,

As if they never fell at all.

Time ticks and forgets it all.

Nothing left, just dust and bone,

And memories left all alone…

On the floor.

K. Aldaya, 4/25/18

436. “We”

We work in the shadows with an air of civility,

Dropping the pants of a world undisclosed;

Where eyes vilify the skirted and clothed,

For breeding the sins of the overexposed.

We move softly in the shadows eclipsed by “the unsaid”.

With the weight of morality on our backs.

We amend with checks and our very souls,

As we drift namelessly, and fall through the cracks.

We’re the shame and mortification of being alive.

Our breasts, and sex, are man’s nature denied.

Shunned from the sun and logical discourse;

The raw…the real…the gospel lost inside…

Mirrors heedless of reflection.

K. Aldaya, 4/13/18

Picture: http://www.harbus.org/2018/what-women-want/

434. Creation

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Place your feet and ripple out into the universe,

Crafting new waves through space which disperse…

Reverberations of existence, and worlds beyond,

The span of human thought and vision.

Utter in mere mortal words…in your tongues, resonate;

Through the endless ocean which time creates.

Drift distantly…afar from transient flesh and bone.

Pervade and imprint thoughts into life.

K. Aldaya, 4/8/18

Picture: http://www.freehdimages.in/wallpaper/desktop-real-images-of-the-planet-saturn-download/

433. I Walk Away from Yesterday

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I walk away from yesterday,

With hope upon my back;

It weighs me down as I make my way,

Toward a future, and there is no turning back.

What if I can not take the weight,

Of what will and won’t be?

Will the journey be worth the fate,

That the choices made, will cultivate for me?

I know not where this path will lead,

Nor how to grasp each day.

All I know is it’s best to concede,

Then stand in place, never moving either way.

I walk away from yesterday,

With hope upon my back;

It weighs me down as I make my way,

Toward a future, and there is no turning back.

K. Aldaya, 4/6/18

Picture: https://pxhere.com/en/photo/676096

 

432. Middle Earth

“I’m neither hope nor misery”, he looked at me and said.

“I’m a human, so why do you look for Gods instead?”

“I could tell you of hope beyond which words describe,

Or tell you of the misery which bloody tears inscribe.”

“I’m neither good, nor am I bad”, he looked at me and said.

“I’m but a human being made of both a heart and head.”

“So why place me up high or low, in heav’n or hell?”

“For as far as I can tell from here, Earth fits us quite well.”

K. Aldaya, 3/30/18

Picture: By trottin-the-globe.tumblr.com; http://twistedsifter.com/2013/03/atop-lions-head-cape-town-south-africa/