426. No One

When I needed a hand, no one was around.

When I bled out my pain, no one ever cared.

When I needed an ear, no one ever listened.

When I cried myself to sleep, no one was awake.

When I needed a hug, no one ever held me.

When I was alone and scared, no one ever came.

Yes, I’ve always been needy…

And “No One” is my name.

K. Aldaya, 1/31/18

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416. Why?

tumblr_nqfvr1XieR1qfyovfo2_500

Why is it you love to hurt? To stab, cut, and kill?

Beyond that face would one find more then selfish, stubborn will?

When circumstance and consequence travel hand in hand,

How is it no one seems to ever understand…

The pain inflicted by the hands attached to their own brains?

When thought and intellect collide,…who pulls at the reigns?

Hurt me. I am used to it. I’m sure it brings a thrill.

At least someone should benefit from the joy men seek to kill.

I can not stand to look at you. Your face, and voice, and brain.

I only hope the wounds you give will one day leave their stain.

A mark upon your soul,…crimson: the color of your sins.

I wonder if you could live with the effects of your decisions?

If every pain you inflicted was returned, in kind, to you,

I know you’d be too cowardly to suffer as your victims do.

Why do you hurt others? Why do you make them cry?

Oh, why do people hurt others?

Why…why…why…why…why…why…why?

K. Aldaya, 11/6/17

Gif: Kyunsoo in “I Remember You“; http://kyungso.tumblr.com/post/122322722333

 

 

414. You Do Not Have to Die

I didn’t want to die when I swallowed all those pills.

I didn’t want to die when I climbed those lofty hills.

I didn’t want to die when I tied that rope on tight.

I didn’t want to die when I climbed that towers’ height.

I didn’t want to die when I loaded that old gun.

I didn’t want to die, yet what is done, is done.

I swallowed all those pills, and climbed those lofty hills;

And tied that rope on tight, and jumped off from that height.

And I loaded that old gun, for there wasn’t anyone,…to say:

“You do not have to die! It doesn’t have to be this way.”

I see you there with all those pills. I see you climbing hills.

I see that you purchased that rope and have no sense of hope.

I see that you are walking up the stairs to the top.

I see that gun, “Put it down. Put it down. Stop!”

You do not have to die, my friend.

This should not be your end.

I see you. I see you…and all that pain within you.

Please put down those pills, and walk beyond those hills.

Unknot that rope. There’s still hope. There’s still hope!

Lay down that gun, and in the morn we’ll watch the sun,…

As it peeks o’er the line ‘tween night and day,

We’ll sit and watch the start of another earthly day;

And laugh, and cry, and hope together,

Under the ethereal clouds we gather,…

And fashion into dreams.

K. Aldaya, 10/4/17

Picture: https://www.wallpaperflare.com/brown-rocky-mountain-during-sunrise-photo-rophaien-wallpaper-17362

320. Wash Me

59ec4e1b2c03736fa08cd97ddf1c7525

Wash me in cleansing waters.

Purify my aching brain.

Rinse out all these memories,

So I can start again.

There’s not enough water on Earth,

To wash away my shame;

The only thing it’ll wash away,

Is blood shed in my name.

Wash me in cleansing waters.

I cannot stand this pain.

My skin is burning underneath,

And it’s driving me insane.

K. Aldaya, 9/18/15

Picture:  Photographer Unknown; http://t-ears.tumblr.com/post/25614458678

316. Curl Up in the Corner, Dear

maxresdefault2

Curl up in the corner, dear,

And cover your ears in vain.

You cannot hide from the pain.

This world is made of fear.

Curl up in the corner, dear,

And hide from searching hands.

Blind your eyes behind hair-strands,

And pray to disappear.

Curl up in the corner, dear,

And close those teary eyes.

Most things seen and said are lies,

To lead the naive near.

Curl up in the corner, dear,

For hands were made to punish;

And skin and bones to ravish,

In treachery severe.

Curl up in the corner, dear,

For certainty’s a lie.

They will not care if you die,

Or if you persevere.

Curl up in the corner, dear,

And cover your ears in vain;

For a world, it is insane,

Where sanity breeds fear.

K. Aldaya, 9/2/15

Picture: Found on youtube video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJarvZMi0gU; http://i.ytimg.com/vi/lJarvZMi0gU/maxresdefault.jpg

315. The Bed

fire_by_freaky__like__vivi-d5sxsac

The bed is made of lies and fire,

Though it does not burn to ash,

And upon it lies lustful desire,

And lost souls under lash.

Bodies burn engulfed in flame,

Forever stoking the blaze.

The babies, crawling, are the blame;

Igniting with their gaze.

The fire sparks from inside,

Childhood’s glowing domicile,

Of doors which lead to hell and abide,

In the darkness of denial.

The flames cannot be quenched with tears.

The fire once set, burns on.

For those in hell are the mutineers,

Who refuse to lie –and yawn,

And sleep in ignorance.

K. Aldaya, 8/3/15

Gif:  “Fire” by Freaky–Like–Vivi on Deviant Art;  http://freaky–like–vivi.deviantart.com;  http://freaky–like–vivi.deviantart.com/art/Fire-350936436

289. The Nameless Speech

littleboy

The man said to the boy one day.

“How is it you can’t see?

That holding onto the past and its’ pain,

Is not the way to be?”

The boy looked to the gentleman,

And softly he replied.

“Does energy die when it’s changed?

And does its’ spark subside?”

“Well no, replied the gentleman.

You speak to the facts in this case;

Yet how does this concern my assertion?

Your query seems out of place.”

The boy retorted with a smile,

“All things once set in motion.

They cannot be taken back;

So I reject your notion!

When evil deeds are done,

(And yes, good deeds as well),

That energy must go somewhere;

In someones mind it must dwell.

Pain spreads out more pain.

And love spreads out more love.

So when pain fills up my head,

Don’t ask me to ‘feel’ love.

The pain, it is now mine.

I know you may not understand,

And I’ll not burden you with it;

For I won’t be the devils’ hand.

I know more then most,

How important kindness is.

The universe is in a battle,

And I know which my side is!

Don’t ask me to forget the pain,

For the pain is part of me.

It made me who I am today.

It lives inside of me.

One day if I live in love,

And I try to spread some good;

Maybe someday it’ll return to me…

Maybe bad will be conquered by good.

There is no way of knowing,

If time will be kind to me;

But time, it stops for no one…

Even those pained as me.

So my point, my good sir,

And what everyone should know,

Is once pain is spread…

Pain it will sow.

Every evil deed that’s done,

It has a price to be paid.

So always try to care and love,

Don’t let the worlds’ hope fade.”

The gentleman stared at the boy,

And nothing was replied,

As he grabbed the child into his arms,

And held him while he cried.

-The universe, it is not fair, and all things have a cost.

For a battle’s always waging,

Yet the war is never lost.

Until the end of human life,

The fight’s not fully won,

And the casualties should remind us all,

Of the cost of each deed done.

K. Aldaya, 3/18/15

Picture: “Just a Little Boy” by zznzz on Deviant Art; http://zznzz.deviantart.com/art/just-a-little-boy-272998865

268. The Migraine Curse

electricity

I cannot focus.

It’s all a blur.

Waves of lightning crash,

And break the day;

Each flash,

Tears me away.

I cannot ponder.

I feel so sick,..

And tired of this pain.

Help, there is none,

To gain;

I block the sun.

I cannot discern.

Emotions dull.

The mind rejects me,

My soul at war,

Can’t flee,

The fleshy-core.

I am not okay,

Though you won’t know.

Always been with me,

Waiting to stab,

In me…

A hard, swift jab.

My body’s at war.

We are not friends.

It turns against me,

When it is rough;

Leaves me,

In a huff….

Of pulsing-pain—oh, I’ve had enough!

My whole life.

When will the pain be enough?

K. Aldaya 4/26/14

Picture: “Electricity” by Johannes Schlorb: http://www.schloerb.com; http://www.thelivingmoon.com/49electric_universe/04images/Electricity/electricity.jpg

258. I Cannot Move

Missing you hand

I,…I cannot move.

I peer into a little house,

A house I’ve seen before.

Am I alive? How’s it therefore?

If I do not move?

I,…I cannot move.

I cry inside, but no one hears,

Or can see, what-there hides.

In the small house of homicides.

Cannot make a move.

I,…I cannot move.

I feel that you are near to me,

Though I cannot reply.

For in that house I’m killed and die,

Never more to move.

I,…I cannot move.

I peer and see my fear and freeze…

In time,…I can’t escape,

Or my spirit run from its’ rape.

I,…I cannot move.

I,…I cannot move.

Shake and wake me from this nightmare.

I long to feel secure.

Oh, please hold me and reassure.

For, I cannot move.

I,…I cannot move.

Rescue me from this little house,

Cover my bloody eyes.

Tell me all those sights are just lies.

(I beg! I want to live!)

Please help me to move!

K. Aldaya, 02/03/14

Picture:  from “Missing You” in ockoala’s photobucket; http://s966.photobucket.com/user/ockoala/media/Missing%20You/MY9mp4_000725491.jpg.html

243. Live for the Moment

rainy_night_by_gmk9vii-d8djhcj

Late I lie when all are sleeping.

In my bed tossing and stressing.

I try to think not ‘gain of weeping,

But my mind won’t listen.

I cannot run from the reelings,

Of life movies inwardly playing.

Cannot stop or destroy the feelings,

Which torture yet again.

The pain of living with the truth,

Bleeds me dry, until I lie,

Closed-off and aloof;

I am the walking dead.

I long to get it out of me.

The shame and pain and memories.

There is no way, don’t you agree?

To save my soul anyway?

I could bleed it out my veins.

I could bandage and heal it,

But the truth is as long as I have veins,

The pain will be there too.

Only a moment would I find relief,

By taking care of outwardly-pain;

Then later, heal, and feel only grief,

That the mark is gone.

As I still feel the pain…didn’t heal at all!

No matter how much I bleed it’s there,

So what can I do?  I have to live or fall.

A moment longer.  A moment.

I must live for the moment or die.

Let it all out and cry.

K. Aldaya, 07/23/13

Picture:  “Rainy Night” by GMK9VII on Deviant Art; http://www.deviantart.com/art/Rainy-Night-506473363

234. Just Another Broken Soul

broken_soul_by_andygoth666-d4nh06t

I don’t know why I bother.

I write. I weep, in vain.

I’ll never be able to express or convey,

What’s pounding in my brain.

I say a word or maybe two.

You’ll nod your head, “Ah yes!”,

“I understand”.

And I will nod, “Sure…yes”.

But the truth is that it angers me.

How patronizing can you be?

You know nothing of my life,

And I’m glad for it not to be!

You’ll never understand what it’s like to cry….,

Cry away years of your life.

To linger, strive, hurt, and bleed,

The blood from your own knife.

To only know that pain because,

It’s all you’ve ever known;

And never trust joy or happiness,

Forever feeling new and unknown.

But it’s my fault because I was,

Born to take a breath,….to walk.

Born a toy for everyone.

Toys don’t get to fight back or talk.

Toys are made to be used and trashed,

When all the fun is through–a waste–

Of others time and lives…

A regret. A purchase made in haste.

But as I’ve said it’s my fault,

And my place in time and guilt.

If I don’t get over it,

It’s more guilt upon guilt.

Those who damage and destroy,

They get off scott-free –no responsibility;

While I must take responsibility,

For everything which was done to me.

I know what I’m supposed to say.

I know what I should do,

But it would only be because,

I was told it’s what I should do.

I don’t believe that I’m stronger,

Or believe I’m now wiser or better.

Is this Masochism 101?

Must I learn to love pain to be better?

I know it’s not what you want to hear,

And so you may no longer listen;

But yet I still must say it because it’s the truth.

I beg you, listen!

I will never be okay and it is not okay!

I won’t lie and say it’s fine as if it never happened.

Nobody wins and there’s only destruction.

I will hurt until the end.

For a broken soul may never mend.

K. Aldaya, 03/20/13

Picture:  “Broken Soul” by AndyGarcia666 on Deviant Art; http://andygarcia666.deviantart.com/art/Broken-Soul-281289269

158. Give Me a Hand

ALBUM10

I saw its hand reach out to me.

In the dark it nightly watched,

Stalking my soul as a decree.

No choice: it had to have me.

Closer and closer it notched.

Its’ ghastly hand found once,

A place upon my shoulder cold.

Why is this only what it hunts?

My eyes cared only of confronts,

So they turned back to behold.

O’ what a hideous game to play,

There I saw nothing but black,

And a dim-hand far away.

O’ to offer…then steal away,

And accentuate the lack.

I painfully motioned hand outward,

To grant forth what I thought it sought.

How could I know this was absurd?

To know what this could have spurred?

It joined my hand not.

I stumbled to move in near.

Bones broke and blood teared down,

But no longer did I fear!

Then it…o yes…did disappear,

And I was left to drown.

Death is a demons’ jester-pawn.

Walking our eyes upon its’ path.

All made and held swiftly gone,

In pursuit of this path it’s on.

To fall, then arise, a living blood-bath.

And death: vast years away,

Laughs the empty hours away.

K. Aldaya, 8/14/05

Picture: “Scary Shadow” by krowngraphics; http://krowngraphics.webs.com/apps/photos/photo?photoid=43873623

147. Black Roses

I thought if I expressed my pains,

The pain would be too great,

That all the flower, in one brief hour,

Would wither in dead-fate.

But I’ve been wrong as so often I am,

Forcing-out the inner world,

Has only made the flowers grow…steady and slow,

Into dark interpretations of my world.

Rose_Gothic_by_Zefir4ik

Seeing there before my eyes those tinted-petals,

Swaying in a windswept field.

Shadows set free for all to see,

My mind fogged with unsettles.

I thought the black-blooms would turn,

My eyes to love its’ hue,

And grant this love to rise above,

All thoughts of life in me to view.

But I was wrong, as I’ve always been, about this too.

You cannot hide what lies inside,

To live you must show you.

To the world show all the pains,

Materialize them…they are real.

If they lie, your heart will die,

For flowers need room to reveal.

Thickets of thorns: crimson and black,

Grow ‘neath tear-drowned skies;

Swiftly slicing their way each day,

Through bones and skin to your demise.

My moonlit roses ashen and set,

Far and wide upon my face,

Have released my heart burdens of its’ part,

In fading tears to bloomings’-pace.

Flowers must be able to grow,

And show what must be seen.

Hiding deep pains…draws weep stains,

To choke burdens unseen.

So leave me my field to show,

That I can let each flower,

Grow and be for all to see,

And daily greet each new rain-shower.

K. Aldaya, 6/15/05

Picture:  “Rose Gothic” by Zefir4ik on Deviant Art; http://zefir4ik.deviantart.com/art/Rose-Gothic-144655365

52. Lost to the Night

abyss_by_ishutani-d5ztss6

Amid darkness the large oak trees,

Reach out to me in the breeze.

The darkness hovers over my head.

The black clouds continually stomp and tread.

No stars can be seen, nor moon.

I only hope that day come soon.

Lost in black I feel them near,

And hear their screaming in my ear.

The voices that linger in great sadness,

And eternally dwell in darks’ abyss.

I can feel their full heart pain,

And the madness in their brain.

My head is pounding and pounding,

With all the pain resounding.

The dark swallows my last daylight,

And I am lost into the night.

K. Aldaya, 3/23/04

Picture: Abyss by Ishutani on Deviant Art: http://ishutani.deviantart.com; http://th02.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/f/2013/089/8/6/abyss_by_ishutani-d5ztss6.jpg

33. I Will Stand Alone

lonely-skeleton-survivor

I will stand alone with all I’ve known,

For my life is for me,

For only my eyes to see.

I have stood alone with each cry and moan,

Trying hard to forget,

Leaving residue of regret.

I now stand alone with the creaking of each bone.

I try to speak and release, feeling wrong in wanting peace.

I will stand alone ’cause no one’s on my phone,

For I don’t know how to be free,

To express my agony.

I have stood alone with each cry and moan,

For I’m guilty for my feelings,

For feeling my heart’s in peelings.

I now stand alone with all I have known,

For my life is for me.

For me, to see, and be.

K. Aldaya, 3/30/03

Picture:  Artist Unknown; http://www.survival2020.com/wp-content/uploads/lonely-skeleton-survivor.jpg

17. The Known Life

walkingblackwhitewetpavementshoes

Why does life have to be so hard.

Each day deals us a new card.

Sadness and pain are everywhere,

While happiness is often found to be rare.

People are almost always sad,

But some can hide all the bad.

Life can be so painful when buckets of rain are full,

In your body,

In your mind,

In your heart…which is broken apart.

K. Aldaya, 6/28/02

Picture:  Photographer Unknown; http://images4.fanpop.com/image/photos/17900000/Random-pics-sad-songs-17925811-894-894.jpg