397. Go to the Water

Flow. Flow. Flow in the water.

Tears flowing forth.

Time runs it’s course,

In the flowing forth of words from mouths.

Nothing but a freak.

A child: lost and meek,

Cursed to bear the cost of others’ sorrows.

Fates can not be changed.

Experiences rearranged.

Once set into motion it continues.

Flow. Flow. Flow in the water.

“Kill yourself today.

You’re in everybody’s way.

Why can’t you see your fate is sealed.

No one wants you here.

Curse’s won’t disappear.

Why must you fight the flowing of the water.”

The window is ajar,

And beyond is just a bar.

One step and then it will all be over.

Flow. Flow. Flow in the water.

Nobody will stop you.

You know what you must do.

Look down into the darkness of the water.

Their eyes are looking up.

Go on, they’ve had enough.

It will only hurt a little longer.

Legs break in the fall.

Nobody cares at all.

They watch you with the coldness of the water.

Flow. Flow. Flow in the water.

Crawl to the boat’s tip.

Take a little slip.

Fall down face first into shivering water.

Can not swim away.

Lungs fill up straight away.

Choke upon the apathy of strangers.

Bodies soon grow cold,

As souls release their hold,

And all that’s left’s another child forgotten.

Flow. Flow. Flow in the water.

No one speaks the name.

Life goes on just the same,

As bodies drift away on the water.

Cruelty is a plague.

Apathy digs a grave,

Which buries all the outcast little children.

Flow. Flow. Flow in the water…

…Go. Go. Go to the water…

…….Go. Go. Go to the water.

K. Aldaya, 5/21/17

Picture: http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/22892496-dust-to-dust

394. My Greatest Sin

I wish that I had been born,

With just the right type of skin.

I wish I knew how to make it work,

When I just don’t fit in.

I try so hard to look like them,

And duplicate their ways;

Yet no matter how hard I try,

I feel so unseen in their gaze.

I wish I had a way to make,

Things work out in the end.

To make my form a better fit,

And no longer have to pretend;

But I fear my fate is as set,

As the very skin I reside.

Born too thin to weather on,

Or remain long by your side.

I blame myself for everything.

For being born unfit.

For being a burden to everyone,

And being too selfish to quit.

For wanting what I know is wrong;

Wanting what can not be.

I know I am a fool to wish,

For what will never be.

I’ve always wanted to be the one,

Who helps you live your dreams.

I hope one day you’ll forgive me,

When my skin rips at the seams.

Thank you for holding me so close.

For loving me anyway,

And maybe if I pray enough,

I can come back to you someday…

In another life. Another time.

Born the same as you,

With thicker skin and thicker blood,

And we’ll live our dreams, me and you.

I wish I had been born,

With the same type of skin.

I wish I knew how to live for you,

When I just don’t fit in.

In a life where I’m your burden,

And you’re my greatest sin.

K. Aldaya, 5/15/17

Picture: Posted by Southern Sweetie on Bloglovin.com; https://www.bloglovin.com/blogs/southern-sweetie-4084552/photo-1609929381

368. Alien

large

I know I’m not the only one who stares out at the stars,

And wishes their alien kin would come and take them off to Venus or Mars;

Or some unknown world beyond our scope of understanding,

Where their heart exhales and gravitates-in for a landing.

A planet so very far away in space and time,

Where long ago they were accepted and life was sublime.

A world where they were understood and didn’t feel like a freak;

Among their kind where they never needed words to speak.

Maybe the water is neon pink and the dirt a vibrant green,

And trees in every shade of light, glow and illume the scene.

No matter what the eyes see or how beautiful it may seem,

The world now only exists in their minds as they dream.

I know I’m not the only one who stares out into space,

And wonders why they don’t feel like they belong to the human race.

K. Aldaya, 9/19/16

Picture: By Anna Ristuccia on Flickr. https://www.flickr.com/photos/annaristuccia/4391530854/; http://weheartit.com/entry/group/534427

242. My Own Little World

noheroics

Sometimes I can’t live here anymore.

I have to feel something.

In this world I can’t be weak.

I cannot show my wounded core.

I cannot be a freak.

And so sometimes I have to fly,

Into fantasies and plots,

Constructed from favorite movie scenes;

A main character am I,

On which the conflict leans.

I am strange and am a freak,

And for that reason I am hurt;

But I am important to the play.

There I am saved though weak.

There a freak can save the day!

So I am hurt by the villains,

And then rescued by the heroes.

The heroes understand my pain,

And thus seek revenge on the villains.

The villains mustn’t cause further pain!

I will help since I am a freak.

In movies the freaks are special;

And with my powers and strength,

I do not have to think twice.

I save the day with all of my strength!

I am rescued from pain and torture.

Loved when I never was before.

I am no longer a freak or whore,

And am able to use my strangeness to cure,

The ills of the world, and order restore.

Sometimes I can’t live here anymore.

Where I am a freak, and not special at all.

Where I was not rescued and nobody cared,

And the villains escaped long, long before;

And really I am just a freak and a whore.

K. Aldaya, 07/04/13

Picture:  Photographer Unknown; http://www.wired.com/images_blogs/underwire/images/2008/09/26/noheroics.jpg

240. Insane Blood

Dr.-Blue-Jones

I lie on the gurney,

The doctor looks at me with disgust and annoyance;

And don’t you agree?

That I’m shameful and dirty?

In every degree?

Drawing out my blood.

The doctor starts filtering but there’s a problem!

Out pours a filthy flood!

A murky mess of disgrace.

A door opens.  A thud.

A shrink walks inside.

Revulsion and repugnance were worn on his face.

He diagnosed, “MAD!”,

That my blood’s too infected,

Slutty, black, and bad.

No filter could clean,

All the filth of my past and my mind; a disease.

The infection’s obscene!

Poisoning my plasma with offense.

It’s too late to convene!!

“Your life it’s a shame,

You will always be seen as damaged and decrepit.”

“Never be seen the same;

As the culprit is not here,

Only you’re left to blame.”

“Your blood is a stain,

On our entire way of living and society.”

“We’ll have to detain;

Lock you away where none see,

That ‘they’ made you insane.”

K. Aldaya, 06/21/13

Picture: from Sucker Punch: Oscar Isaac and Emily Browning; http://cineleet.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/Dr.-Blue-Jones.jpg

239. Pathetic

Drowning_by_madelaines

I’m not a human.

At least not to you.

Outside I look human,

But inside I’m blue.

So blue you will drown,

If you look too deep.

Don’t bother to know me.

Just call me a creep!

Just push me away!

Call me names……hurt me!

Stab, kick, and break,

Until I drown in my own sea.

And as I fall down….

As I fade away…..

“She was weak and pathetic”,

That’s what you’ll say.

K. Aldaya, 05/28/13

Picture:  “Drowning” by Madelaines on Deviant Art; http://madelaines.deviantart.com/art/Drowning-61567330

234. Just Another Broken Soul

broken_soul_by_andygoth666-d4nh06t

I don’t know why I bother.

I write. I weep, in vain.

I’ll never be able to express or convey,

What’s pounding in my brain.

I say a word or maybe two.

You’ll nod your head, “Ah yes!”,

“I understand”.

And I will nod, “Sure…yes”.

But the truth is that it angers me.

How patronizing can you be?

You know nothing of my life,

And I’m glad for it not to be!

You’ll never understand what it’s like to cry….,

Cry away years of your life.

To linger, strive, hurt, and bleed,

The blood from your own knife.

To only know that pain because,

It’s all you’ve ever known;

And never trust joy or happiness,

Forever feeling new and unknown.

But it’s my fault because I was,

Born to take a breath,….to walk.

Born a toy for everyone.

Toys don’t get to fight back or talk.

Toys are made to be used and trashed,

When all the fun is through–a waste–

Of others time and lives…

A regret. A purchase made in haste.

But as I’ve said it’s my fault,

And my place in time and guilt.

If I don’t get over it,

It’s more guilt upon guilt.

Those who damage and destroy,

They get off scott-free –no responsibility;

While I must take responsibility,

For everything which was done to me.

I know what I’m supposed to say.

I know what I should do,

But it would only be because,

I was told it’s what I should do.

I don’t believe that I’m stronger,

Or believe I’m now wiser or better.

Is this Masochism 101?

Must I learn to love pain to be better?

I know it’s not what you want to hear,

And so you may no longer listen;

But yet I still must say it because it’s the truth.

I beg you, listen!

I will never be okay and it is not okay!

I won’t lie and say it’s fine as if it never happened.

Nobody wins and there’s only destruction.

I will hurt until the end.

For a broken soul may never mend.

K. Aldaya, 03/20/13

Picture:  “Broken Soul” by AndyGarcia666 on Deviant Art; http://andygarcia666.deviantart.com/art/Broken-Soul-281289269

228. The Alien’s a Freak

My pain I cannot express,

Nor does it matter to try.

No one will ever see what I see,

Nor through my heart cry.

lonely_face_female_flowers_portrait_fear-ab71497f84ea996e815eda6fb9f8257d_h_thumb

By expressions I am outcast.

By skin I am judged.

My soul, an alien, a freak,

To which I am misjudged.

Different is always punished;

No matter how it came to be.

If changed by others or made so,

Aliens deserve to die or flee.

Flee and hide away inside,

And change the form to seem,

Just as every other human being.

To live,… to survive this hellish dream.

But tell me is it really living if one must hide from everything?

K. Aldaya, 01/16/12

Picture: Photographer Unknown; http://favim.com/image/36285/

220. I’m a Fake

tumblr_loqikjPEYG1qm7cyoo1_400

Speak.

Words removed.

Sudden release.

Burdens proved.

Speak….

Regret swift.

Fake again,….

Pretend lies drift!

Speak,

No! No sound.

Or ye shall,

Be assuredly drowned.

K. Aldaya, 07/02/11

Picture:  “La Dolorosa” by Victoria Frances: http://www.victoriafrances.es/en/; http://www.victoriafrances.es/en/gallery/favole-3-frozen-light/

169. Question

But_Why___by_Queenenigma09

Question: “Why me?”

I know you’ll say, “Why not?”,

But honestly, “Why me?”

Why an overcrowded lot?

When over there’s an empty one,

Why consistently my lot?

Don’t answer again, “Why not?”

Statistically improbable,

Is the chance to pick one place,

‘Til it is over-full,

And completely out of space.

When right there’s an empty one,

Almost yearning for used-space.

Why mount me up with such disgrace?

Question: “Why me?”

I know… I deserve it.

But why pleading daily,

For mercy’s earned-pit,

To swallow built-up griefs,

So high no more can fit?

Then again I’m unfit…,

To judge “Why me’s” the universe does permit.

K. Aldaya, 9/25/05

Picture:  “But Why??” by SpellboundMisfits on Deviant Art; http://www.deviantart.com/art/But-Why-105393250

164. Be At Peace Little Ones

blue-dark-girl-lost-photography-Favim.com-311870

In my youth I never slept,

As one of idle mind.

For children of innocence,

So soon are left behind;

To gather and to bind.

A mess of immature chaos,

Was carried from my early start.

Oh, youth should not be poisoned so,

Twisted by a blackened heart,

And dreams scattered apart.

I know not what it’s like,

To be free of my memory,

Nightmares and they intermixed,

Compounded in every degree,

By the years taken from me.

My body was the enemy.

My soul a fallen comrade,

In wars of power and control.

The armor in which I was clad,

Was made of fear…and bad.

When turmoil is your first bed,

And innocence costs you dear,

You learn to sleep alone at night,

And be at peace in the drear.

(As your side’s pierced with a spear).

So be at peace ye little ones,

When youths’ caress has left,

To comfort not within the strife,

That’s left your soul bereft.

Look beyond the theft,

As just one piece of this shattered-life.

K. Aldaya, 9/17/05

Picture: Originally on http://vodkaandvogue.tumblr.com/; Photographer Unknown; http://favim.com/image/311870/

160. Heavens’ Angels

flying_angel_by_najae_crazy-d5pplgo

Angels whisper secrets on the wind,

Barely sensed, but by the sinned.

Tortured-wails resonate,

In these endless nights of late.

Sifting through spirit skinned,

Seeking paths to heavens’ gate,

Brushing our eyes of glass, froze,

In the evenings as we doze.

Reinforcing haunts of thought,

In embrace of what’s forgot.

Comfort lit-star shows…

Hence, gone, and not.

Begging mercy for souls tonight,

On wings of angels’ flight.

As we softly rest weak bones,

Gently as wind music drones,

And settles within ears light…

“Sinned are thee”, where love unowns.

Flagrant transgressions made,

We shed on face to never fade.

And lo’ the angelic-tenants,

Of gloried sight and fertile scents,

Soar o’er field and glade.

Longing for heart-lands dense.

But few are we who grow no life,

No trees branched to the afterlife.

We close our eyes at night to pray,

Knowing our sins are bound to stay.

For the moon so crisply rife,

Shines in our hearts of gray.

Shameful existence of…

Supplications to above.

Seraphs celestially abide.

Not near we mortals a-died,

Unable for to have love…and..

E’er reach Zions’ reside,

On angels flown in skies above.

K. Aldaya, 8/27/05

Picture:  “Flying Angel” by NaJae-Crazy on Deviant Art; http://najae-crazy.deviantart.com/art/Flying-Angel-345515496

56. The Freak Inside

In my mind I’m not fit to be anything that you might see.

I’ll never belong with my own and will be forever ‘lone.

sad girl sitting alone on floor

I know when people look at me they see the freak that I be.

I try to hide what I am, but I always fail their exam.

I can feel their hate and disgust, for me, whom they distrust.

K. Aldaya, 4/15/04

Picture:  Photographer Unknown; http://a.wattpad.net/cover/3283593-256-k508337.jpg

42. Little Girl

child hiding from dad

Hello little girl I once was,

Are you doing what a little girl does?

You aren’t like all those others,

You are a girl that hides under-covers.

Other little girls don’t do that,

Sneaking and tip-toeing ’round like a cat.

When the night-moon’s up on high,

You don’t sleep but lie and cry.

Little girls aren’t this bad,

They don’t keep their parents mad.

Little girl why is it, that you so often get a hit?

Why are you so often loud?

You know talking’s not allowed.

You can now hide in here,

In the closet hide from fear.

Little girl come out! Come out!

Can’t you hear your daddy shout.

You must leave your cave now,

And greet the thrash of bad’s endow.

Little girl I hate you so,

Why can’t you disappear and go?

You shouldn’t even breathe their air,

You don’t deserve one single hair.

Why are you so disgusting?

You’re such an awfully messed-up thing.

Little girl go hide again.

Stay there ’til I tell you when.

Close your secrets in with you,

Shut them ever in there too.

Little girl your secrets, they,

Must stay forever locked away.

Little girl you need not show,

How you’re badder than they know.

You, yourself, brought this on,

So you deserve what’s foregone.

Hello little girl I know well,

Keep your soul locked. Never tell!

secrets keep

K. Aldaya, 3/08/04

Picture 1:  Photographer Unknown; http://erebusteam.net/attachment.php?attachmentid=1240&d=1368782526

Picture 2:  Photographer Unknown; http://www.soc.ucsb.edu/sexinfo/sites/default/files/child.jpg

6. Human to You?

The_Outcast

I just want someone to care.

Is that so much to ask?

Please at my heart don’t tear!

Being nice is my only task.

Am I really that ugly,

That you must treat me so?

Is it so hard to stand me,

When I’m a human, like you, you know?

Why do you hate me so much?

Why is everything wrong I do?

Is coldness sent from my touch?

Why do I not seem human to you?

K. Aldaya, 3/27/03

Picture: Photographer Unknown; http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_3JZ7Y_5XQXA/Scu5OInw2SI/AAAAAAAAABw/grgi17SVP7Y/S660/The_Outcast.jpg