399. Safe Harbor

Lips are moving…moving fast,

Yet I can not hear a word.

People walking…walking past,

Just outside of myself.

Wake me up…up to you;

To the world in which you dwell.

So far away…far away.

I stumbled back and fell.

I hit my face…my face hard,

To try and make it to you.

The skin: my cage…cage and guard,

Locks me in here again.

Now I see…see distantly,

The place called: reality.

People live there…there alive,

While I live inside me.

What have you said…said to me?

I do not understand you.

A million miles…miles from me.

You soon grow frustrated.

I do not blame…blame your words…

Of anger for no reply.

Yet if I spoke…spoke to you,

My words would just belie.

My bones they walk…walk and speak,

In a world beyond control.

My skin a shell…shell to peek…

Eyes outward, safe from harm.

Hands are moving…moving fast,

In belligerent retort.

How can I leave…leave here now?

Without harbor or port?

You push me out…out to sea,

Where I float just out of reach.

If only hands…hands held me…

Close, in understanding.

Please don’t push…push me away.

I just need some time and space.

When I feel…feel safe again,

I’ll hoist my sail and race,

Toward harbor…harbor and shore,

Where I’ll land upon life’s coast.

You may pull…pull me ashore,

Or push me out to sea.

Though if you care…care for me,

Then pull or leave me alone,

And I’ll make my way…way back,

When it’s safe, on my own.

K. Aldaya, 6/21/17

Picture: http://all-free-download.com/free-photos/download/small-yacht-at-sea_204659.html

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352. Random Thought #17

I could sit for hours in this spot,

Just staring at the wall;

And I sometimes wish I could do just that,

Without any guilt at all.

Yet, I feel guilty for my absence;

For not being enough…

For letting my mind escape for awhile,

When times get tough.

So I fight against the emptiness,

And fight against the pain,

When I know it’s only a matter of time,

And it’s sure to end the same.

If one day I don’t make it back.

Please promise me you’ll try,

To still come visit, and hold my hand,

A few times before I die.

K. Aldaya, 5/11/16

236. Dissociative

dissociation__by_MaxTheSpaztastick

What words?

Why bother?

Mean nothing.

Don’t convey…anything.

Shut down.

Close out.

Cannot feel.

Can’t express.  No appeal.

Too much.

Too deep.

Bleeding out…

Silently.  Life fades out.

What words?

Why bother?

Don’t exist…

Never did.  Why persist?

Shut down.

Close off.

Hide inside…to exist…

to hide….and hide….alone.

No confide.

No words….,

So hide.

K. Aldaya, 04/05/13

Picture:  “Dissociation” by MaxTheSpaztastick; http://www.deviantart.com/art/dissociation-56008447

231. Needy

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Please see me….really see me,

And help me to stand.

I need you so deeply,

You don’t understand!

Sometimes I feel abandoned,

When you don’t see my pain.

I long to cry: “Don’t leave me!”,

But don’t want love in fain.

I long to be beautiful,

And worthy of embrace.

I long to be so special,

Your eyes will never leave my face.

The truth is I’ll never be,

As special as I need.

No love will ever be enough.

Never full….I feed and feed.

So empty inside. An empty void.

A vast and broken soul.

No love could ever fill it in,

Or make it new and whole.

I’m not special.  Just a freak.

Too needy to feel love.

The pain will always be too great,

For me to rise above.

Please help me,… for right now,

I cannot feel your love!

K. Aldaya, 09/11/12

Picture:  “A Broken Dream” by ageai; http://www.deviantart.com/art/In-A-Broken-Dream-11058263

156. Falling Rain

6a00d8354c582769e201156f1bc479970c-500wi

The body won’t forget what the mind wants to,

So I’m stuck with these old feelings,

And a constant aching-clue,

As to why there are no ceilings,

On this house or any other.

A protective realm of dry,

Under the blackened shadows of the rainy sky.

Bones rust and rot, …hoping to die.

The mind doesn’t want to recall what the body’s kept,

For the mind escaped somewhere while the body slept.

Dreams…0’dreams have brought me here,

To this time I own,

But skin decays, in gripped portrays,

Of storms the mind’s disowned.

The body won’t forget what the mind longs to.

The damage is already done,

Though God’s pulled the years through,

Out of the flood and mounting mud,

Having no reason…not one…haven’t a clue,

For the hours and minutes here are,

Undeserving of a mind.

In a cursed tomb as this with no covering to find….

And there’s one drop…more behind.

K. Aldaya, 8/6/05

Picture:  “Rain Drops” by Austin Tolin on Flickr; https://www.flickr.com/photos/austintolin/124121992/in/set-72057594085954911

107. Empty Paradise

Lost and Confused Signpost

Frustrated with my lack of knowing,

And what should I then do?

It’s as if all wisdom is undoing,

An empty paradise ensuing.

Vexed with vexes long o’er due,

Void of gold solutions.

Blank fills the mind anew,

Abandoned thoughts take their cue.

K. Aldaya, 12/1/04

Picture:  Artist Unknown; http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8TlTVhsx2Ks/TgTlPzP3u1I/AAAAAAAAAWE/xFTtKSmPVEU/s1600/6a00d8341c692c53ef010536923b7d970b-800wi.jpg

83. Repression

___dead_inside____by_pure_poison89-d4muwxj

I can’t touch anything now,

It’s all coming again,

These feelings I can’t escape,

From things that happened back then.

I burn from the inside out,

Losing realities grip.

Touching things made of soft,

That turn stone as a moment does slip.

How can the body keep living,

With the residue of the mind,

Haunting every motion.

A life sentence of rewind.

Please let this all be over.

I can’t take all this again.

Pitted against the recall,

Of closing off from the pain.

K. Aldaya, 10/10/04

Picture:  “Dead Inside” by Pure-Poison89 on Deviant Art; http://pure-poison89.deviantart.com/art/Dead-inside-280258615

60. Confliction

Did it really happen?

I  knew at the time it did,

But now I only question.

From my eyes all truth is hid.

I-Miss-You-Korean-Drama girl

My head is so confused.

Are they right about this too?

Did I over-react then or did I make up what I knew?

Their words clutter thoughts,

Making me rethink everything.

Did it happen at all or was it as they so sing?

Was it a daydream that I confused with real?

They’re right…my fault!

I deserve what I got, and feel.

Now I must forget that anything happened at all.

I must not ever show,

Hurt from hitting that brick wall.

K. Aldaya, 5/20/04

Picture: from Missing You: Actress Kim So-Hyun as 15 year old Lee Soo-yeon; https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-1S3D-ADJXzo/ULnXNr5qCqI/AAAAAAAAABU/Mw3T3ZFlPxw/I-Miss-You-Korean-Drama.jpg

37. Far From the Firelight

Girl at Window

She sat by the windowsill late one night; it was in full winter and the room lit by firelight.

The snow was falling gently to the ground, glistening magically with crisp moons’-light abound.

Not a sound could be heard but winds’ dance, against the glass she gazed through, in a trance.

The warmth cast from the fire she barely felt at all.  It was the wintery night scene which to her heart did call.

The crackle of the firewood and flickering of the blaze were distant and foreign now amidst her window gaze.

She felt nothing but the emptiness of her soul, which made her wish for the fire that had once made her feel whole.

A slight movement of her hand allowed the winds to enter, cutting off the tiny bit of warmth the fire had sent her.

Now all was silent and motionless but the falling snow, so she climbed out into it, and the skies’ scattered glow.

She ran out to where the moons’-light hit the ground best.  She felt not the snow nor the cold air from the west.

There she laid herself on the white earth, until he felt the warmth she knew to be priceless in worth.

There she dwells ever still in that place so right, where warmth was given to her soul far from the firelight.

K. Aldaya, 9/21/03

Picture:  Artist Unknown; http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_eqYkvg-kuo/UHrEVXZRDOI/AAAAAAAAFXU/bYdZ5VuJRBM/s1600/Girl+at+Window.jpg

36. The Door

[pictures.4ever.eu] doors in the field 154563

The door is open to another place,

Where you can run and veil your face.

You’re free to enter for your escape,

But it’s lined on the bottom with red tape.

Leave from here to go over there,

And the tape between worlds starts to wear.

Each time is harder to return from,

Making your glimpse of realities numb.

Run through the door to hide,

And enter an emptiness far and wide.

There’s the door if you wish to fare,

Sometimes there’s just too much to bear.

K. Aldaya, 9/21/03

Picture:  Artist Unknown; http://pictures.4ever.eu/cartoons/digital-art/doors-in-the-field-154563