403. Doublethink

You taught me your doublethink,

Now I can’t escape the effects.

When ill I tell myself I’m fine,

When fine, sickness still infects.

I’m always here on the brink.

You taught me my words don’t count.

When sad to be happy.

When happy, never be too glad.

Survival’s all you can see.

Words and feelings never count.

You taught me your distortion.

Truth’s whatever served you the best;

And the truth is you lied to me,

For you, it was always best.

You flourished in extortion.

You taught me your doublethink,

Now your words, they hold no meaning.

When I’m angry I’m also calm;

Yet when calm,…anger’s seething!

I don’t think, I think…I think??

Sad is bad, and bad is sad.

And glad is mad, and mad is glad.

For 1 is 2 and 2 is 1.

You’re insane, so smile, be sad!

Doublethink has made you glad!

K. Aldaya, 6/28/17

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392. Identity

160607092327-euro-2016-tournament-in-france-dark-horses-00000920-full-169

Who am I in this moment?

Well that depends on who you ask.

I am many different people,

Each with their own personal task.

How does one get anything done,

With so many different plans;

And so little time to work at them,

Before they will change hands?

Then off toward another goal,

Weaving through the field of mind,

Where players with their set positions,

Have their own goals in kind.

Tell me who I really am.

I bet you think you know!

Yet if you knew me at all,

You’d see I both come and go.

The game of life moves me,

Up and down the field.

In confusion getting nowhere,

Stuck eternally mid-field.

I see the goal right there,

And sometimes get quite near,

Only to find myself mid-field,

With another goal I fear.

Who am I in this moment?

I’m afraid that you will find.

I’m not the “one” you thought I was,

Rather “many”, in one mind.

K. Aldaya, 4/15/17

Picture: From CNN.com; http://edition.cnn.com/2016/06/11/football/euro-2016-switzerland-albania/

253. Why?

jase_dark_basement

I oft’ wonder why you chose me?

Why did you only choose to play,

Your sick sadist game with me?

Why was this my price to pay?

There were other easy targets;

Opportunities to relish.

Did you throw out many nets,

To catch the best trophy fish?

Oh, did you carefully choose me,

Because of who I am or was?

Was it personality?

Visual? Or just because?

Was it foul luck or destiny?

That I so young became your toy?

I born strange in some degree,

That in hurting gave more joy?

Was it fun finding a captive?

Destroying and haunting their dreams?

So every day they’d have to live,

Swimming in echoing-screams?

Did you know you would find a home,

Inside their head:  a black shadow?

Ghost of you to haunt and roam?

Bring terror and lasting woe?

In dreams you haunt. It’s hard to sleep.

I know you are not there, but still…

It’s so real, can’t help but weep,

When you go hunting to kill.

Oh, how many years of running,

From your ghost at midnights’ hour?

Far too many spent singing,

In my head while I cower.

It’s like you are a part of me,

That I cannot escape or kill.

Which hunts the others in me.

Trying to kill all at will.

Isn’t it enough yet to stop?

You can smile and be glad. You win!

Took my soul and with a chop,

I became your sin,…yes, grin!

Oh, should I hope forgiveness comes?

Is that too much to hope for now?

And take from hearts’ beating-drums,

Your relentless black shadow?

Creak, Thump.  Creak, Thump.

Creak, Thump, and a thud!

I can’t take it anymore….Go!

Go away! Leave my blood!!

Pour fast out of me and go!

I oft’ wonder why you chose me?

Why did you only chose to play,

Your sick sadist game with me?

Will my soul find peace someday?

Why was this my price to pay?

K. Aldaya, 10/11/13

Picture:  Artist Unknown; http://www.planetcalypsoforum.com/gallery/files/1/5/9/6/0/jase_dark_basement.jpg

235. What is This?

Reaching_out_for_love_by_kjherstin

Why is it that I feel so happy when you’re near?

When you notice me, look at my face,…

And just in that you’re here?

Is something wrong with me that I want your attention?

When loved and love is it yet not enough?

Is that why I crave your affection?

I hate myself for caring when you are not around.

Am I that pathetic that I can’t be content standing on the ground?

Do I need to fly?

To leave the confines I am in?

Do I long be an angel or seraphim when I am but a human?

I do not deserve this much attention,…I know that…I do,

Yet I want your love. I need your love.

I feel I’ll fade without you too.

Does that mean that I love you?

In caring that you’ll leave?

And in knowing that one day when you do,

I will cry and your loss grieve?

What is love exactly?  How do I know what is love or not?

Is love what I feel when I’m with you?

Or is it the attention which is sought?

All I know is that you confuse me….

I question everything.

My heart is like a puppet manipulated by your string.

And if you someday don’t care anymore, or don’t notice me.

Will my heart fall never to be moved or will it finally be free?

K. Aldaya, 03/22/13

Picture:  “Reaching Out For Love” by kjherstin; http://kjherstin.deviantart.com/art/Reaching-out-for-love-58708494