486. The Interminable Case of the Delirious Detective

For me, life is a problem which needs to be solved.

A mistake which needs righting.

A misstep to be resolved.

Howe’er it seems the rest of the world can’t agree,

On whether I’m sleep deprived,

Or am simply crazy.

Whatever is said, I can not help how I feel.

I wish I could be content,

And accept the appeal.

Yet to me, it all feels wrong, damaged, and bizarre.

A puzzle missing pieces.

A beauty with a scar.

A scar: I can’t ignore the pain inflicted there.

Maybe that makes me crazy,

But I can not help but care.

Life is a problem that I want to figure out,

Though no matter how much thought,

I am only left with doubt.

For there is no solution. No answer to right…

The wrongs of existence,

Or bring meaning to light.

Life: It is a problem which needs to be solved, for me,

To be able to get some sleep at night;

So rather, I write on tirelessly,

For insight.

K. Aldaya, 8/22/19

Picture: By: Lai Man Nung on Unsplash; https://unsplash.com/photos/6Ptwy-nDnoE

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453. Dust Yourself Off

I hate when you treat me nicely.

I hate when I start to believe.

I hate that I set myself up again,

To question reality.

I hate that you’re not a monster.

I hate that I can’t run away.

I hate that I will walk closer to you,

And put myself in danger.

I hate that life’s not black or white.

I hate that I do not hate you.

I hate that nothing is ever simple,

And that none of this feels right.

I hate that I can not trust you.

I hate that to trust is a trap.

I hate that I try, and hate that I care,

When I really don’t want to.

I hate that you don’t really care.

I hate that it’s all a mirage.

I hate that I always hate myself more,

When again you leave me there…

…in your dust.

K. Aldaya, 8/11/18

Picture: https://pixabay.com/en/iraq-sandstorm-weather-man-80329/

300. The War

battlefield_by_88grzes-d72zfe4

The War rages on hidden from view,

As the casualties mount,

Too many to count;

The cost of living no one foreknew.

One side: The Rational Army.

The other: The Ardent Brigade,…

Which plans out each raid,

To get to the heart of it you see.

Every squadron is resolute,

In fighting for their cause,

And without pause,

They’d kill or die to win the dispute.

The Rational Army’s clever;

Yet it is blind to hope,

And it cannot cope,

With the weight of every endeavor.

The Ardent Brigade’s positive,

The the War will soon end,

So they will defend,

Farfetched hopes and pipe-dreams while they live.

The War rages on between two sides.

Neither side will e’er yield.

They feel they must wield,

The right to make choices for both sides.

They don’t understand each other,

They surely never will.

The War’s a standstill.

One rules for a time, then the other.

Each soldier bravely plays their part.

The differences so vast,

Make it sure to last:

The War between the head and the heart.

K. Aldaya, 4/14/15

Picture:  “Battlefield” by 88grzes on Deviant Art; http://88grzes.deviantart.com/art/Battlefield-428275372

277. Seduction

Favourite-River-Boat-At-Sunset-Wallpaper

He knew better than to dream.

Yet he,…he dreamt anyway.

Darkness lifts for a time as days’ gleam.

Ah, the temptress-sun loves to play,

With the hearts of hopeful men.

Oh, see well what cannot be.

See thee clearly what will die,

When dark descends and souls we bury.

Unadjusted eyes more outcry,

The loss of ‘what might have been’.

Time is both reaper and muse;

E’er blooming and withering.

Aware it’s the reapers’ time we use,

To grab hope-worms a’slithering;

And live as ‘productive’ men.

He knew better than to dream,

Yet he,…he dreamt anyway.

The pain is greatest for men who dream.

Agony is sure,…Yet lo, the day!

What a seductive oarsman!

…on this boat to the River Styx.

K. Aldaya, 9/22/14

Picture:  Photographer Unknown; http://hdwallpapersly.com/favourite-river-boat-at-sunset-wallpaper/favourite-river-boat-at-sunset-wallpaper-2/

235. What is This?

Reaching_out_for_love_by_kjherstin

Why is it that I feel so happy when you’re near?

When you notice me, look at my face,…

And just in that you’re here?

Is something wrong with me that I want your attention?

When loved and love is it yet not enough?

Is that why I crave your affection?

I hate myself for caring when you are not around.

Am I that pathetic that I can’t be content standing on the ground?

Do I need to fly?

To leave the confines I am in?

Do I long be an angel or seraphim when I am but a human?

I do not deserve this much attention,…I know that…I do,

Yet I want your love. I need your love.

I feel I’ll fade without you too.

Does that mean that I love you?

In caring that you’ll leave?

And in knowing that one day when you do,

I will cry and your loss grieve?

What is love exactly?  How do I know what is love or not?

Is love what I feel when I’m with you?

Or is it the attention which is sought?

All I know is that you confuse me….

I question everything.

My heart is like a puppet manipulated by your string.

And if you someday don’t care anymore, or don’t notice me.

Will my heart fall never to be moved or will it finally be free?

K. Aldaya, 03/22/13

Picture:  “Reaching Out For Love” by kjherstin; http://kjherstin.deviantart.com/art/Reaching-out-for-love-58708494

223. Chaotic

River Tam

I want to know.

I  have to know.

I need to know everything.

I will fight and ne’er will rest,

Until I know and sing:….

You cannot get away with it,

For I know everything!

I don’t want to know.

I just cannot know.

I don’t want to know a thing.

I will hide and e’er will rest,

Pretending not to know a thing.

Nothing happened. Not a thing.

No…..Not anything.

Open your eyes and see.

Close your eyes and flee.

I want to cling…I must know,…

No! Not know!

………..All I want is to bring,

Order to the chaos,…. in everything!

K. Aldaya, 12/23/11

Picture: from Serenity: Summer Glau as River Tam; http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-xfHjU-Pwxbg/TbLcAMwH0DI/AAAAAAAAAS8/eXpoGAIw8f0/s320/River%2BTam.jpg

155. Lost Voice

silenced_by_jolsariella-d3few70

Tongue-tied…

No words to find,

Within the reasoning of the mind.

Searching, searching, far and wide,

For ways to speak the words confined.

Confused.

The mouth sewn shut,

To seal the emulating smut.

Searching, searching; Chaos fused,

In pursuit of another cut.

Frustrated.

Letters lie lost,

Piercing out a bloody-cost.

Searching, searching,…motion-faded…

Lips present a scarlet, glossed.

Shed no tear,

And mourn no wrong,

For these days continue long.

Redemptions’ voice echoes here,

Speaking out of every wrong.

Tomorrow.

Another day seen,

In an ever-frightening glean.

For unspoken words of sorrow.

Ravage the flesh unclean.

No words,

No words to find,

Within the furor of the mind.

Searching, searching, the un-heards,

For a voice of humans’-kind.

K. Aldaya, 8/2/05

Picture:  “Silenced” by JolsAriella on Deviant Art; http://jolsariella.deviantart.com/art/silenced-207287676