398. I…I Don’t Want to Die

I…I don’t want to die.

“But you are broken, you say?

The only way to fix you,

Is for you to simply die,

And be reborn as someone new.”

I…I don’t want to die.

I know that I am broken,

And that’s all you can see;

Yet, why do I have to die,

For you to be able to love me?

I…I don’t want to die.

Do I really have no worth?

Am I something to be tossed,

And left all alone to die?

Am I truly one of the lost?

I…I don’t want to die.

I just want you to stay here;

To hold me close and tell me,

That I do not have to die,

For you to see me as worthy.

For you to be able to love me…

I…I don’t want to die.

K. Aldaya, 5/29/17

Picture: from Sherlock; http://pharlapcartoonist.tumblr.com/

397. Go to the Water

Flow. Flow. Flow in the water.

Tears flowing forth.

Time runs it’s course,

In the flowing forth of words from mouths.

Nothing but a freak.

A child: lost and meek,

Cursed to bear the cost of others’ sorrows.

Fates can not be changed.

Experiences rearranged.

Once set into motion it continues.

Flow. Flow. Flow in the water.

“Kill yourself today.

You’re in everybody’s way.

Why can’t you see your fate is sealed.

No one wants you here.

Curse’s won’t disappear.

Why must you fight the flowing of the water.”

The window is ajar,

And beyond is just a bar.

One step and then it will all be over.

Flow. Flow. Flow in the water.

Nobody will stop you.

You know what you must do.

Look down into the darkness of the water.

Their eyes are looking up.

Go on, they’ve had enough.

It will only hurt a little longer.

Legs break in the fall.

Nobody cares at all.

They watch you with the coldness of the water.

Flow. Flow. Flow in the water.

Crawl to the boat’s tip.

Take a little slip.

Fall down face first into shivering water.

Can not swim away.

Lungs fill up straight away.

Choke upon the apathy of strangers.

Bodies soon grow cold,

As souls release their hold,

And all that’s left’s another child forgotten.

Flow. Flow. Flow in the water.

No one speaks the name.

Life goes on just the same,

As bodies drift away on the water.

Cruelty is a plague.

Apathy digs a grave,

Which buries all the outcast little children.

Flow. Flow. Flow in the water…

…Go. Go. Go to the water…

…….Go. Go. Go to the water.

K. Aldaya, 5/21/17

Picture: http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/22892496-dust-to-dust

396. Fly Away Child

The grass-blades blew around my feet,

As a child I looked to the sky.

I knew you were my everything,

Yet one day, that you would die.

I studied you in the distance;

A form of God on earth.

I worshipped without question,

The toiler of my birth.

I called out with no reply.

I saw you there unmoving.

I wondered why you were so still,

Neither loving nor disapproving.

Like a picture of a memory,

You were perfect in my eyes;

With a smile: warm and tender.

I was naive and unwise.

Then a feeling hit me like a rock,

And I ran as tears fell down.

I ran, and ran, and ran,

Through the wheat at dawn.

I came so close to you,

I swear I heard your heart,

And as you faded away,

I kept listening for your heart.

Yet, your heart, it left with you,

Along with my youth.

You left me unsure of my worth,

For to me, you were it’s proof.

I was only a child afraid,

Who wanted you to stay,

But my picture of you drifted,

On the winds of a new day.

You never ran to me, not once;

Nor cared to hear my heart.

If I ever needed a hug,

Or if I’d fallen apart.

I wish I’d known on that day long ago,

No matter how hard I ran,

I’d never have made it there in time,

For you to hold my hand.

The grass-blades blew around my feet,

On the day I said goodbye,

To the picture I had of you,

And turned toward the sky.

It’s blue was as an ocean: pure,

I found hope in it’s peace,

That even those left all alone,

May find their love increase.

The grass-blades blew around my feet,

As a child I looked to the sky.

I wish I could have let her know,

That one day she’d be able to fly…

Into the loving arms of some distant, future sky.

K. Aldaya, 5/20/17

Picture: https://www.videezy.com/free-video/cornfield

387. Lullaby of the Lost

Song Link

Where do the dead go and who can follow?

Will you go to where they lie?

Will you search the darkest hollow,

To find the truth before we die?

Where do the lost go and who will find them?

Does anyone care they’re gone?

Who will pull-out each thorny rose stem,

Upon their heads when they are gone?

Where do our thoughts go and who will remember,

The sufferings of this mortal coil?

The fires of life shed each ember,

Of we who soon become it’s soil.

Where do the cursed go and who will love them,

When they’ve become all we fear?

Who will care to find and hold them?

Who will mourn or shed a tear?

Where do the dead go and who can follow?

Will you go to where they lie?

Will you search the darkest hollow,

To save the lost before they die?

K. Aldaya, 3/1/17

Picture: by: Branimir Jaredic; http://fineartamerica.com/profiles/1-branimir-jaredic.html?tab=artwork; http://www.magazineim.com/home/index.php/collaborators/branimir-jaredic/#7

280. The Death of Dreams

in_the_mirror_by_sad_cat-d3geaay

Remember when you dared to dream?

Remember when you still had hope?

When the world held possibilities,

And time was vast in scope?

Remember when you dared to trust?

Remember when you still saw good?

When you looked into a persons’ eyes,

And expected brotherhood?

Now you always expect the worst.

That people are working an angle.

And when you look into anothers’ eyes,

You expect your heart they’ll strangle.

And now you don’t know how to dream.

And hope just makes your heart cry.

For you look in the mirror and all you see,

Is a vessel almost bled dry…

Just waiting ’round to die.

Remember when you used to think,

Someday you’d find some salvation?

And be saved from the death of dreams,

By some empathy or consolation?

Now all you think is that it’s late,

And hopes and dreams: for the young.

And daydream what might have been,

If your dreams weren’t left unsung.

You close your eyes and fantasize,

In your daily dissociation,

About how you and things might have been,

If just one person had offered validation…

Before the eleventh hour.

K. Aldaya,  11/2/14

Picture:  “In the Mirror” by Sad-Cat on Deviant Art: http://sad-cat.deviantart.com/gallery/; http://fc05.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2011/135/b/a/in_the_mirror_by_sad_cat-d3geaay.jpg

226. The Basement is My Home

creepy_basement_by_creature_of_habit_22-d4ezhub

The basement is my home.

It haunts me when I’m away,

And chills me to the bone.

The basement is where ‘she’ lives,

And where the ‘demon’ lives.

I’ve heard dog bark at his voice;

Though near the door will never roam.

The basement is my home.

I close doors to hideaway,

But the voices won’t leave me alone.

The basement is where ‘her’ voice,

And where the voice of horror echoes;

Whispering: “I’m still here…..hear?….

Come down to my vast catacomb!

The basement is my home,

And home to silent screams.

A dark penetrating moan,

And horrid silence….a silent drone.

Frozen with fear: dead-inside,

I forever roam…..

A world of endless doors,

All leading to my basement home.

One day I’ll have to return home,

Chained for all time,

Afraid and alone.

K. Aldaya, 01/03/12

Picture: “Creepy Basement” by DevilishInk on Deviant Art; http://devilishink.deviantart.com/art/Creepy-Basement-267035411

207. I Waited, Yet You Did Not Come

BQcDAAAAAwoDanBnAAAABC5vdXQKFmZBaVpCbXZRM3hHZFVtMzAtaDhuWlEAAAACaWQKAXgAAAAEc2l6ZQ

I waited, yet you did not come.

I wondered why, when it was done.

‘Twas too late for regrets.

‘Twas too late for the sun,

To shine and luminate darks’ frets.

I waited, yet you did not come.

I wonder why, now that it’s done.

Where were you when I cried…for comfort,

And from the one…,

From the one I love and hold?

O’ where were you, my love, my love,

When I died?

K. Aldaya, 01/23/07

Picture:  Artist Unknown; http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/img-set/BQcDAAAAAwoDanBnAAAABC5vdXQKFmZBaVpCbXZRM3hHZFVtMzAtaDhuWlEAAAACaWQKAXgAAAAEc2l6ZQ.jpg

164. Be At Peace Little Ones

blue-dark-girl-lost-photography-Favim.com-311870

In my youth I never slept,

As one of idle mind.

For children of innocence,

So soon are left behind;

To gather and to bind.

A mess of immature chaos,

Was carried from my early start.

Oh, youth should not be poisoned so,

Twisted by a blackened heart,

And dreams scattered apart.

I know not what it’s like,

To be free of my memory,

Nightmares and they intermixed,

Compounded in every degree,

By the years taken from me.

My body was the enemy.

My soul a fallen comrade,

In wars of power and control.

The armor in which I was clad,

Was made of fear…and bad.

When turmoil is your first bed,

And innocence costs you dear,

You learn to sleep alone at night,

And be at peace in the drear.

(As your side’s pierced with a spear).

So be at peace ye little ones,

When youths’ caress has left,

To comfort not within the strife,

That’s left your soul bereft.

Look beyond the theft,

As just one piece of this shattered-life.

K. Aldaya, 9/17/05

Picture: Originally on http://vodkaandvogue.tumblr.com/; Photographer Unknown; http://favim.com/image/311870/

160. Heavens’ Angels

flying_angel_by_najae_crazy-d5pplgo

Angels whisper secrets on the wind,

Barely sensed, but by the sinned.

Tortured-wails resonate,

In these endless nights of late.

Sifting through spirit skinned,

Seeking paths to heavens’ gate,

Brushing our eyes of glass, froze,

In the evenings as we doze.

Reinforcing haunts of thought,

In embrace of what’s forgot.

Comfort lit-star shows…

Hence, gone, and not.

Begging mercy for souls tonight,

On wings of angels’ flight.

As we softly rest weak bones,

Gently as wind music drones,

And settles within ears light…

“Sinned are thee”, where love unowns.

Flagrant transgressions made,

We shed on face to never fade.

And lo’ the angelic-tenants,

Of gloried sight and fertile scents,

Soar o’er field and glade.

Longing for heart-lands dense.

But few are we who grow no life,

No trees branched to the afterlife.

We close our eyes at night to pray,

Knowing our sins are bound to stay.

For the moon so crisply rife,

Shines in our hearts of gray.

Shameful existence of…

Supplications to above.

Seraphs celestially abide.

Not near we mortals a-died,

Unable for to have love…and..

E’er reach Zions’ reside,

On angels flown in skies above.

K. Aldaya, 8/27/05

Picture:  “Flying Angel” by NaJae-Crazy on Deviant Art; http://najae-crazy.deviantart.com/art/Flying-Angel-345515496

85. The Prison

creepy-basement

Trapped.

A cold damp cell to sleep.

Alone.

In dark silence I weep.

Tired.

Nightmare dreams do seep.

Silenced.

I dare not make a peep.

Afraid.

Of what I’m soon to reap.

Wicked.

My chastisements steep.

Waiting.

Heart begins to leap.

Doomed.

Closer, shadow does creep.

Scorned.

Sentenced as below cheap.

Forsaken.

In entombed dirt heap.

Terrified.

Shivering in nights’ deep.

K. Aldaya, 10/11/04

Picture:  Photographer Unknown; http://baseballfordinner.files.wordpress.com/2012/10/creepy-michigan-basement.jpg

74. Castaway

large

Dear ‘God’, please remember me when I reach heaven’s ingress.

Hold me close as can be, for I have such loneliness.

Dear ‘God’, why do they all leave?

Why always left here alone?

Daily soul to grieve and grieve,

‘Til my heart is dead as stone.

Dear ‘God’, I’ll pretend you’re here.

Standing next to me smiling.

Glancing at me so dear,

This dream keeps me trying.

Dear ‘God’, would you stay always,

With this ‘lone forsaken soul?

Upon which none do gaze,

Left by the world unwhole.

Dear ‘God’, maybe you care for me?

People pass me on their way,

But don’t care to know me,

A lonely castaway.

K. Aldaya, 9/16/04

Picture: by dear_wes on Weheartit.com; http://weheartit.com/entry/65224866/via/dear_wes

72. A Random Thought

images

I often feel a deep connection with railroad tracks. I see my life as those abandoned railroad tracks through the forest which I used to walk on to school everyday. Behind me the track stretches beyond a road and continues on with no point of origin in sight or reach; a path once traveled, holding perilous and unknown truths, which have been lost to haunted memories. The path endlessly sprawling before my eyes is unchangingly as lonely, empty, and deserted as the track I’ve traveled. Each new step leads toward an empty attempt at finding a purpose which doesn’t have existence here. Each step leading to one more step. Each track to more track. More empty, lonely, cold-rusted steel track. No point of origin. No point of destination, but that final one in which all tracks eventually lead; whether this track or the next step, or the next, or the next ten million. The train passed long ago and I am left here forever in its’ abandoned shadow.

K. Aldaya

Picture: “Foggy Morning Train Tracks to Indian Land NC” by G.H. Holt: https://www.flickr.com/photos/ghholt/; http://www.flickriver.com/photos/ghholt/popular-interesting/

71. The Seed

10413475-field-of-daisies-and-wild-flowers-with-rocky-mountains-in-background

A seed is dropped upon the ground,

Without a notice, without a sound.

Among lavished fields expanse,

Flowers, trees, and grass-blades dance.

Wind moves on, time on by,

Seed to flower there does lie.

Flower that swayed all alone,

Between two grand slabs of stone.

Flower with more flowers ’round,

But none in this constricting ground.

Flowing on, day by day,

Sun came, shined, then went away.

The flower held in the shadows,

Separate, unnoticed, ‘mid field flowers.

With the shade shed each day,

The flower lost some sun its’ way.

The rain poured down through the field,

‘Tween rock it never quite healed.

Drowning in the bitter-cold soil,

With sun-rays never to foil.

Flower tired from the fight,

Hopes to live another night.

Then one day a seed lands near,

Rain settled from falling here.

Long enough for many a seed,

To find good soil here to feed.

But the flower faded away,

Just as the new flowers say:

“You’re just like us you are”.

“Stay with us. Don’t go far”.

“You can’t leave! Not yet!”

“The sun is not a-setting yet”.

“Just forget about the wet,

Forget about the cold-sad nights,

With loneliness to lend your frights.”

But flower had already changed,

Into something un-arranged.

Flower was flower no more.

Fragment left of its’ true core.

Flowers come and flowers go,

But ‘tween those rocks they grow and grow.

Never recalling that seed long ago,

Which longed to be flower you know,

But wilted ‘fore this could be so.

K. Aldaya, 9/2/04

Picture:  “Field of Daisies and Wild Flowers with Rocky Mountains in Background” by Sandra Cunningham; http://www.shutterstock.com/pic-83264833/stock-photo-field-of-daisies-and-wild-flowers-with-rocky-mountains-in-background.html

69. No Soul

Unforgiven_by_ThousandLies

It waits here all alone at night,

Wishing a dream to live in light.

So waits in dreams of happiness,

Which daily fade to less and less.

It waits for love to come its’ way,

Knowing that no love will stay.

Reaching out to the unknown,

Confliction is the message shown.

Wished for love that cannot be.

Soul is not a soul you see?

For there is no soul for ye!

K. Aldaya, 8/14/04

Picture: “Unforgiven” by ThousandLies on Deviant Art; http://thousandlies.deviantart.com/art/Unforgiven-119151229

68. For All Time More

Dark_corridor_II__by_Bicepk

Here lies shadow,

Hence, nothing more,

Phantasmically bestrewed across the floor.

For all time more. For all time more.

Fear to ask from whence it bore,

This person’s cast upon the floor.

For all time more. For all time more.

Strangers hear from every shore,

The tale of shadow that moves not for,

All time more. All time more.

The tale of life from distant lore,

Which through times’ pass,

You more implore.

(A tale that you can’t ignore)

For all time more. For all time more.

An unknown land lost in war,

A person lived behind closed door.

For all time more. For all time more.

Closed off from all

That makes hearts soar,

And none to hear the pain it bore…

To the shadow left upon the floor.

With the knowledge gone before.

Lost behind a clos’ed door,

Far off on a distant shore.

Told in an ancient lore.

For all time more. For all time more.

K. Aldaya, 8/8/04

Picture: “Dark Corridor II” by Bicepk on Deviant Art; http://bicepk.deviantart.com/art/Dark-corridor-II-173833121

62. Fading Light

I knew the minute I walked in the door,

That nothing was as it had been before.

Though every piece was still in place,

From hall to dining room, in all its’ grace.

stained-glass-room

The setting sun through stained-glass gleamed.

No lights on, and how alive it seemed!

If only for a moment it will last,

Then store it away in memories vast.

For with the ending of this day,

All life from here shall fade away.

Take a seat amid vibrant light-streams,

In darkening den, to your dreams.

Sit in the  moments ceasing glow,

And contemplate times’ vivid flow.

Wasn’t it just recently the dawn of this day?

Now it’s near gone!

Remember this mornings’ bright sun?

You were here and this misery was none.

Remember when your voice echoed here,

Through the walls…rang so clear.

Remember the last words you said.

“Bye, Love you”, pounds in my head,

As you walked out this homes’ door never to return here evermore.

The sun has set.

All light has left.

In dark I lie loathsomely bereft.

And Yes, I knew the minute I walked in the door,

That your light is fading to some far-off shore,

And darkness will fill its’ place forevermore.

K. Aldaya, 6/27/04 (a.k.a. K. Batza)

Picture:  “Beit El Deen Palace: Stained Glass Room” by beirutmabitmoot; https://beirutmabitmoot.wordpress.com/2011/10/19/526/

57. When I’m Gone

When I’m gone the world will go on,

And nothing will notice my absence.

The birds will still sound,

In the mornings, resound,

Singing of lifes’ sweet enchantments.

The sun will still rise in the beauty-vivid skies,

Though I’m lost from it forever.

Years will pass by and not one will cry,

For the spirit that I once was.

ghost3813x

Many will come when I am done,

And roll through this lifes’ course.

Never in seeing my faded being,

From many long years past.

Only a shadow, imprinted though;

Glimpsed as a daydreams’ phantom.

K. Aldaya, 4/22/04

Picture:  Bachelor’s Grove Ghost Photo Taken in 1991 on an investigation by the Ghost Research Society using infrared film; http://graveyards.com/IL/Cook/bachelors/ghost3813x.jpg

33. I Will Stand Alone

lonely-skeleton-survivor

I will stand alone with all I’ve known,

For my life is for me,

For only my eyes to see.

I have stood alone with each cry and moan,

Trying hard to forget,

Leaving residue of regret.

I now stand alone with the creaking of each bone.

I try to speak and release, feeling wrong in wanting peace.

I will stand alone ’cause no one’s on my phone,

For I don’t know how to be free,

To express my agony.

I have stood alone with each cry and moan,

For I’m guilty for my feelings,

For feeling my heart’s in peelings.

I now stand alone with all I have known,

For my life is for me.

For me, to see, and be.

K. Aldaya, 3/30/03

Picture:  Artist Unknown; http://www.survival2020.com/wp-content/uploads/lonely-skeleton-survivor.jpg

28. Hello?

brokenphone

Hello? Can’t you see me?

I’m right over here.

Just open up your eyes and take a little peer.

Hello? Am I invisible or does nobody care about me?

I just walked by you upset, didn’t you see?

Hello? Can’t anyone hear me?

This connection must be bad.

Can’t anybody hear me sob and cry when I’m sad?

Hello? Is anyone out there?

Anyone who cares?

Hello? Is there anyone to fix my hearts’ tears?

Hello? Hello? I’m right here. Hello?

Can’t you see the tear? Why don’t you come near?

Hello?

K. Aldaya, 10/21/02

Picture:  Photographer Unknown; http://spoutingnonsense.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/brokenphone.jpg