508. Condemned

I sobbed again, into the wee hours;

Silently, as I lie in my bed.

There’s no reason to explain why.

No one cares what goes on in my head.

There’s no use crying. There’s no use talking.

I know I’ll suffer until I die.

Everything that I do or don’t,

Is considered my fault or a lie.

I’ll always be the criminal and scum,

While all those who hurt me move along.

They get to live. Be seen as good;

And I scrape by….Always in the wrong.

Tell me what’d I do to deserve this life?

To warrant such hatred and such pain?

I longed to be a good person,

But a bloodied soul just leaves a stain.

No matter where I go, it follows me,

Leaving paths of contempt to my door.

Go ahead and burn my house down.

It has happened countless times before.

I sobbed again, into the wee hours;

Ostracized and punished ’til the end.

Why do the monsters get to live,

While I’m forced into darkness,…condemned?

K. Aldaya, 1/15/20

Picture: By: Mxsh on Unsplash; https://unsplash.com/photos/T9THJMIIMPM

507. Endless Joy

Your presence brings me so much joy.

The smile on your face.

The stars in your eyes.

I can not place,

Such a prize.

You are my life and my meaning.

I wake to greet you.

Each day is a gift,

When spent with you;

And loads lift.

With you, time no longer exists.

It stands still,…waiting,

For moments to pass;

While the world moves on, debating,

Time’s length and mass,…

Which I feel justified stating,…

Is endless, with you.

K. Aldaya, 1/13/20

Picture: By: Matt Hoffman at Unsplash; https://unsplash.com/photos/vL300WiTaMs

506. My Feelings Are Mine, Not Yours

You’re mad at me ’cause I don’t talk,

When there are so many reasons why.

One is that nothing I say is right.

People believe what they want, so why try?

You don’t care that I am silent.

You care that you can’t manipulate.

If staying safe’s a slight against you,

It’s precisely why I absquatulate;

‘Cause of course I have my reasons.

However, you don’t care about those.

In fact, you solely care ’bout yourself.

Through the years your selfishness only grows.

Sorry you do not own my soul,

Where words and musings are mine to hide.

So go on assuming and shaming.

You can’t steal away what I feel inside.

My feelings are mine, not yours!

K. Aldaya, 1/12/20

Picture: By: Jessica Favaro at Unsplash; https://unsplash.com/photos/973vRak-llM

505. A Pebble

No one has time for me.

They’re too busy living.

They look away and don’t see,

How much that I need them.

It’s too complicated.

Too complex for a quick fix,

And everyone’s jaded,

By instant reward culture.

There is no time to care,

So I’m blamed for my state,

Of hopelessness and despair;

And stepped on as they pass…

Running: So they won’t know,

How deeply they have stomped me,

And how far below,…

I lie in humanities’ dust.

K. Aldaya, 1/7/20

Picture: By: Meghan Schiereck on Unsplash; https://unsplash.com/photos/9-Xg-uK9KiU

504. Speechless

You never called.

You never asked why.

You stayed away,

And there was no goodbye.

You didn’t care,

That the doorway was empty.

You closed the door,

And forgot all about me.

It’s true what they say,

You can’t pay people to care.

They listen emotionless…

Apathetic in your despair.

You open your heart.

Trust in the process,

And it takes only one bad day,

To see it’s all useless.

No, I didn’t die…

Well at least in a way.

I still have a voice,

But there’s nothing left to say.

I have no more words.

I gave them all away,

And none of them found,

A safe place to stay.

You never asked,

What I couldn’t tell.

You didn’t look for me,

And I stumbled and fell…

Silent.

K. Aldaya, 1/6/20

Picture: From: Petaru Dansu; https://www.soompi.com/article/1310835wpp/k-pop-stars-reveal-their-own-struggles-with-mental-illness

503. Android I

I’m not allowed to break,

But you’re allowed to break me.

I’m not allowed to hurt,

But you’re allowed to hurt me.

I’m not allowed to cry,

But you’re allowed to make me.

Yet inside a voice insists,

That their programming I should resist.

And if they knew I wasn’t under control,

They would hunt and destroy my soul.

I long to be human as well,

Though I’m an android as far as I can tell.

I’m not allowed to break,

But you’re allowed to break me.

I’m not allowed to hurt,

But you’re allowed to hurt me.

I’m not allowed to cry,

And although I may never be human like you,

Even androids die.

K. Aldaya, 12/29/19

Picture: Alicia Vikander in Ex Machina; https://www.seeker.com/ex-machina-science-vs-fiction-1769741630.html

502. You

Life was not worth living,

But I had to live on through,

So I could travel to the day,

I got to meet you.

I can’t say it was worth it,

I can’t say it was not.

I only know you came into my life,

And I love you a lot.

Life is not all good or bad,

And it’s not a balanced load.

Yet we somehow tumble along,

To find what resembles a road.

I can’t say it’s even a road.

It may be merely a plot.

I only know that this is life,

And fair, it’s often not.

There’s little I am sure about,

Though one thing I hold true.

I would not be writing this now,

If I had not met you.

When life feels not worth living,

I hope others may live on through,

So they can travel to that day,

They meet their someone too;

And say maybe it was worth it,

Or maybe it was not.

For who can reconcile a heart in love?

And mine,…loves you a lot.

K. Aldaya, 12/21/19

Picture: From Freestocks.org on Unsplash; https://unsplash.com/photos/a1Fmxesw31g

501. Be Yourself, Except…Don’t

Everyone says you should be yourself,

Unless you are different.

Then you’re told: “Act like everyone else”.

Anyone, not different.

Anyone,…but yourself.

Everyone says you should be yourself,

Unless you are damaged.

Then everyone tells you: ‘Be someone else”.

Anyone, not damaged.

Anyone,…but yourself.

Everyone says you should be yourself,

When what they really mean to say,

Is we will be okay with you,

As long as you’re willing to say…

‘I need to change into someone else.

Someone better than myself.’

What they mean is: “Reject yourself with us or go away”.

K. Aldaya, 12/20/19

Picture: By Vinicius Amano on Unsplash; https://unsplash.com/photos/DZ0MfTX_9sQ

500. The Useless

No one cares if you live in darkness,

Because they get to live in the light;

And sometimes I’m bitter, and it hurts my eyes,

To be hidden in misunderstandings and lies.

And sometimes I wish I could find and steal,

A little light to know how they all must feel;

So when it shines in their eyes they will know,

I’ve escaped their ignorance and ego.

For a moment, I hope they get a glimpse of the pain,

Of groping through life with the label “insane”.

Squinting, erratic, and lost.

Tell me society: What is the cost?

Is it so hard to turn on a light?

To invite truth, and do what is right?

Instead, they all go ’bout their day,

And blame the blinded for not finding their way.

For no one cares if you live in darkness,

‘Cause they get to live in the light.

Maybe one day it will all get too bright…

For them to face themselves, and address,

The loss and suffering, so useless…

…so useless….so useless….

K. Aldaya, 12/19/19

Picture: By Javier Garcia on Unsplash; https://unsplash.com/photos/J3sivicMj8Y

499. Forsaken

Why do they let the children cry?

They laugh and ignore,

Then say goodbye…

As if they are not there.

Why do they leave the children be?

They do not perceive,

Though they may see;

And harshly turn away.

Why do they let the children cry?

And leave them inside,

To wonder why,

The whole world left them there…

To die.

K. Aldaya, 12/13/19

Picture: Art by Banksy and Photographed by Karim Manjra on Unsplash; https://unsplash.com/photos/6iM5GOht664